“A ‘not to do’ list is more important than a ‘to do’ list.”
At first, it sounds counterintuitive.
Because most of us are wired the other way.
We focus on what to add.
What to improve.
What to start doing.
More effort.
And those things matter.
But there’s another side we don’t pay enough attention to.
What needs to stop.
Because sometimes, the reason something isn’t working
is not the absence of good things…
it’s the presence of the wrong ones.
Habits.
Patterns.
Reactions.
Things we’ve normalized
that are quietly eroding what we’re trying to build.
So the question becomes uncomfortable.
Should a marriage have a “not to do” list?
It should.
Not as rules to control each other…
but as boundaries that protect what matters.
Because every healthy marriage, whether written or not,
already has one.
Some couples just haven’t named it.
It might look like this:
- Not speaking in a way that tears down.
- Not carrying unresolved issues for too long.
- Not choosing distraction over presence.
- Not exposing private matters to outsiders.
- Not using silence as punishment.
- Not weaponizing past mistakes.
- Not withholding affection to prove a point.
Not everything needs to be added.
Some things need to be removed.
Hebrews 12:1 says,
“Let us throw off everything that hinders…”
Not just sin.
Everything that hinders.
Because there are things that may seem small…
but they slow you down.
They weigh on the relationship.
They keep you from moving freely with each other.
And this is where honesty matters.
Because it’s easy to talk about what a marriage needs more of.
It’s harder to face what it needs less of.
Less sarcasm that crosses the line.
Less avoidance of difficult conversations.
Less defensiveness.
Less pride that refuses to say, “I was wrong.”
A “to do” list builds.
A “not to do” list protects.
And protection is not weakness.
It’s wisdom.
Ther Bible says in Proverbs 4:23,
“Above all else, guard your heart…”
Because what is unguarded
is eventually vulnerable.
We might have asked
“What should we start doing?”
We should also ask:
“What do we need to stop allowing?”
Because a marriage doesn’t just grow
by what you add.
It grows by what you refuse to let in…
and what you choose to remove.
And sometimes, the strength of a marriage
is not in how much you do…
but in what you both agree
will never be done.
👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.
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