When Letting Go Is Love

Dear single and dating,

There’s a kind of love that holds on.

And then there’s a kind of love that knows when to let go.

Not every ending is rooted in bitterness. 

Sometimes, love calls you to release... not in anger or resentment, but in wisdom, clarity, and deep reverence for your peace and your future.

I once heard Apostle Femi Lazarus say:

“Any relationship you cannot walk away from is already toxic.”

And it slapped some sense into me...because it's true.

When your soul is shackled by fear, guilt, manipulation, or the false hope that “they’ll change if I just love harder,” you’ve crossed the line from love to bondage. That’s not love anymore. That’s fear wearing a smile.

The devil knows how to use attachment as a trap...he’ll bait it with history, sweet moments, or even shared ministry. But God didn’t create you to stay stuck in emotional hostage situations. 

He gave you wisdom. 

He gave you discernment. 

And He gave you freedom.

Letting go is not giving up.

It’s not a failure.

It’s not a betrayal of your values.

It’s a declaration that you value yourself and that you trust God enough to release what’s not aligned with your purpose.

And yes...it may hurt.

Yes...it may feel like death in the moment.

But healing starts where self-deception ends.

You don’t have to hate someone to walk away from them.

You don’t have to make them the villain.

You just need to be honest with yourself:

Is this relationship building me up or tearing me down?

Do I feel closer to God in this…or am I shrinking to keep the peace?

Am I growing in joy, or just surviving in cycles?

There’s nothing noble about staying in something God never assigned.

There’s nothing righteous about choosing pain when peace is an option.

Even God let go of relationships.

He told Samuel, in 1 Samuel 16 verse 1, “How long will you mourn for Saul, seeing I have rejected him?” 

God was basically saying, “Stop holding on to what I’ve moved on from.”

Love well. 

Forgive often.

But know when to walk away...especially when staying would cost you your sanity, your purpose, or your peace.

Sometimes, love says:

“I release you, and I wish you well. But I choose wholeness.”

And that, beloved, is not weakness.

That’s wisdom.

That’s courage.

That’s love.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

Milk or Wine?

"That marriage is 30 years old, it must be solid."

We’ve all heard something like that.

But here’s the thing: age alone doesn’t equal maturity. Time can grow or rot something. Think about it...wine gets better with time. Milk? Not so much.

Longevity is not always a badge of wisdom. 

A 30-year-old marriage can be a masterpiece or a mess...depending on how it's been tended.

Marriage, like anything meaningful, requires intention. 

It needs pruning. 

Nurturing. 

Honest reflection. 

Apologies that are real and not just rehearsed. 

Forgiveness that’s not just lip service. 

Communication that goes beyond logistics.

Aging doesn’t guarantee growth. 

Familiarity doesn’t mean depth.

Some couples have been together for decades but don’t really know each other anymore. 

They sleep in the same bed but live separate lives. 

They’ve gotten good at routines but lost the reason.

And others? 

Married just five years but they've been present every day. 

They’ve grown roots. 

They’ve done the hard work of understanding each other. 

They’ve cried, learned, adjusted, and kept choosing each other daily.

Wisdom isn’t in the years. It’s in the learning.

And for the believer, it’s not just learning...it’s submitting to God, letting His Spirit guide, correct, renew.

So, if your marriage has years on it, that’s a blessing. 

But don’t let the calendar fool you. 

Ask yourself: Has it aged like wine, or spoiled like milk?

Length is nothing without depth. 

Time is wasted without growth.

Be honest. Be humble. Be better.

And above all, let your marriage mature in Christ, not just age in life.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

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When Debate Becomes Division

On university campuses today, debates are everywhere. 

About politics. 

About culture. 

About faith. 

Sometimes the original intent is good...exchange ideas, sharpen understanding, present truth. 

But all too often, these debates don’t end in clarity. 

They end in division. 

Lines are drawn. Sides harden. 

People walk away not with more light, but with more heat.

For the Christian who steps into these spaces, this matters. Because HOW we debate is just as important as WHAT we say. 

We’re not only carrying arguments...we’re carrying the name of Christ.

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1. Don’t Confuse WINNING with WITNESS 

The point of a campus debate isn’t to humiliate the other side. If the crowd applauds but the person across from you walks away feeling attacked, the gospel has not been served. Remember: the goal isn’t victory...it’s witness. “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (Colossians 4:6).

2. Notice When Debate Shifts Into Argument

In debates, tone matters. If it moves from engaging the issue to attacking the person, it’s no longer about truth...it’s about ego. A Christian’s strength is not in shouting louder but in modeling the calm of Christ, who didn’t need to win arguments to reveal truth.

3. Speak to Build, Not Just to Prove

Paul’s words in Ephesians 4:29 still apply in lecture halls and student forums: “Only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs.” Even in disagreement, your words should leave people curious about your faith, not bitter toward it.

4. Step Back if the Witness is at Risk

Sometimes the wisest move is to disengage. Not every hill is worth dying on in public. If staying in the exchange will only harden hearts, then bow out gracefully. Jesus told His disciples that if a town rejected their message, they should shake the dust off their feet (Matthew 10:14). That wasn’t cowardice...it was the Master's instruction.

5. Remember the Bigger Picture

The gospel doesn’t need us to “win” debates to remain true. What it needs is for us to embody Christ while we share it. “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:35). That means even in a campus debate, love should be the loudest thing people see.

So, when debate turns into division, step back and ask: “Am I shedding light on Christ, or just adding heat to the room?” 

Because at the end of the day, we’re not called to win arguments...we’re called to win souls.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better.

 

Can a Christian Couple Have Opposing Political Views?

When you say “I do,” you’re not just saying yes to a person...you’re saying yes to a lifetime of learning how to live with differences. 

Some differences are small (like taste in food or music). 

Others cut deeper, like political views.

So, can a Christian couple have opposing political views?

The short answer: yes, it happens. 

Christians don’t all vote the same way. 

Politics is shaped by upbringing, culture, experiences, and convictions. 

Two people can love Jesus wholeheartedly yet differ in how they believe those convictions should shape society.

But the harder question is this: Should a Christian couple have opposing political views?

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The “Should” Question

Here’s the tension: marriage calls us into oneness (Genesis 2:24). 

Oneness doesn’t mean sameness, but it does mean unity. 

Politics has the power to divide, to sow suspicion, and to make spouses feel like they’re on opposite teams. That’s why it’s wise for couples to be aware of the weight politics carries in their relationship.

Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 1:10 that believers should “be perfectly united in mind and thought.” 

That’s not a call to robotic agreement, but it is a call to guard unity fiercely. 

A couple can technically disagree politically, but if it becomes a wedge that breeds contempt, superiority, or silence, then it’s no longer just a “difference”...it’s a division.

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How Should a Couple Handle Opposing Views?

1. Keep Christ First

Your spouse is not your opponent. 

Christ is your King. 

If your political banner ever looms larger than your identity in Him, you’ve misplaced your loyalty.

2. Listen Without Labeling

It’s easy to reduce your spouse to a party line. 

Resist that. Ask why they see things the way they do. 

Often, beneath the politics is a heart concern....justice, compassion, freedom, security...that actually aligns with biblical values.

3. Choose Respect Over Rhetoric

James 1:19 reminds us: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” You won’t agree on everything, but you can honor each other even in disagreement.

4. Draw Boundaries Together

Some couples decide not to let political debates dominate dinner. 

Others choose to research issues together through a biblical lens. 

What matters is that you set guardrails that protect your unity.

5. Pray for Wisdom and Unity

Politics will change. Governments will rise and fall. 

But your covenant and God’s kingdom are eternal. 

Pray together for leaders, for wisdom, and for a love that outlasts elections.

Remember:

Yes, a Christian couple can have opposing political views. But the greater question is whether those views strengthen or strain your unity. The devil would love nothing more than to use temporary politics to create permanent fractures.

So guard your oneness.

Respect each other’s journey.

And remember: the ballot box is temporary, but your covenant is eternal.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍 Marriage Works.

When the GPS Stops Making Sense

Many years ago, fresh in the U.S. and wide-eyed with determination, I decided to work as a cabbie from the airport.

I studied. 

I passed the exam. 

I got my license. 

I even bought a Garmin GPS...the offline kind that came preloaded with routes but had zero clue what was happening now on the roads.

My first ride pulled up, I punched in the address, and off I went.

Then I hit the blockade.

A major bridge on the route had collapsed and was being rebuilt. 

The GPS didn’t know. 

It kept rerouting me back to the bridge...like a stubborn voice that refused to admit reality had changed.

My passenger was getting frustrated. 

I was lost. Literally. 

I drove around in circles. 

Then I saw a “Detour” sign.

I ignored the GPS, followed the detour, and eventually...after several “Recalculating…” moments, my GPS caught up. 

It adjusted to the new path and guided me to the destination.

That ride taught me something I didn’t realize I would need years later in marriage:

Sometimes, life...or love, throws a bridge collapse your way.

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When the Blueprint Breaks

We all come into marriage with some form of GPS.

The plan. 

The path. 

The “this is how we’ll do/handle it” mindset.

We read books. 

Go to counseling. 

Listen to sermons. 

Make promises.

We expect smooth highways and scenic views.

But what happens when the "bridge" collapses?

What happens when your plan no longer works for your present?

What if your spouse changes?

What if you change?

What if what should work doesn’t work anymore?

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Some couples get stuck in circles.

Looping around outdated instructions.

Fighting over what was supposed to happen.

Insisting on going back to a route that no longer exists.

But healing, wisdom, and progress often come when we humbly say:

“Let’s take the detour.”

Let the old plan go. 

Pause the rerouting voice in your head. 

Follow the signs that lead to now.

Even God Redirects

In Acts 16, Paul and his companions tried to enter Bithynia, but “the Spirit of Jesus would not allow them to.”

So what did they do?

They recalculated.

They took the Macedonian detour.

It wasn’t the original plan...but it was God’s plan.

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Marriage Needs Detour Wisdom

Sometimes, you won’t love the new path. 

It might feel longer. 

Harder. 

Less scenic.

But the goal isn’t comfort. 

It’s connection. 

It’s peace. 

It’s getting to the destination...together.

So if you find yourself in a season where your marriage plan is no longer working, don’t panic.

Detour doesn’t mean denial of purpose. 

Detour doesn’t mean you failed.

It just means: there’s still a way forward.

Let go of the rigid plan. 

Take your spouse’s hand. 

And trust the God who sees the whole map.

He knows how to reroute you...even from here.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍 Marriage Works.

“The Devil You Know” - Is Familiarity the Best You Can Do?

“The devil you know is better than the angel you don’t.”

Ever heard that phrase?

It’s tossed around a lot...especially in dating circles or among singles who've had a few bruising relationship experiences. 

It’s usually meant to justify staying in unhealthy, unfulfilling, or even toxic situations because, well...at least you know what you’re dealing with.

But let’s pause and ask:

Is it about knowledge...or the person?

Because if it were just about knowing, then every long-term friendship or sibling relationship would be ideal. But we both know, familiarity doesn’t always translate to health, safety, or purpose.

Knowledge of someone’s flaws shouldn’t become permission for dysfunction.

Yes, you might "know" their moods, their triggers, and how to walk on eggshells around them. But that doesn’t make it love. That makes it survival.

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God Doesn’t Want You to Settle for “the Devil You Know”

God's design for relationship isn't about tolerating abuse in the name of familiarity. 

It’s not about enduring disrespect just because the person “has always been like that.”

When Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord,” it doesn’t mean any woman. 

It means a good thing. 

It’s about godly companionship, not convenient familiarity.

Marriage, at its core, is a covenant, not a consolation prize. 

And singleness is not a life sentence...it’s a season for clarity, growth, and discernment. 

Don't allow pain or loneliness to make you lower your standards or justify dysfunction.

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Comfort Shouldn’t Trump Character

Don’t stay because “at least I know what I’m getting.” 

That mindset places comfort above character. 

It celebrates predictable harm over potential health.

Is there risk in stepping into something new? 

Of course. But there’s also risk in staying stuck...emotionally, spiritually, and sometimes even physically.

If you’re only staying with someone (or entertaining someone new) because of fear of the unknown, that’s not faith...it’s bondage.

2 Timothy 1:7 says: “For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

That applies to your choices in love too.

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The Enemy Knows What You're Afraid to Leave

The enemy of your soul thrives when you're familiar with dysfunction and too tired to do anything about it. That’s how strongholds are built...one tolerated compromise at a time.

He knows you won't walk away if he can convince you it's safer to stay.

But Christ didn’t die so we could manage misery. 

He came that we may have life, and have it abundantly (John 10:10).

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Ask the Better Questions

Instead of asking,

"But what if the next one is worse?”

Ask:

“What if God has better, but I’m too familiar with less?”

Instead of thinking,

 “Well, no one’s perfect…”

Ask:

“Is this person willing to grow with God and be accountable?”

Instead of clinging to history,

Lean into destiny.

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Don’t let loyalty to dysfunction disguise itself as love.

Don’t let fear of loneliness drive you into unhealthy companionship.

And please…don’t let a catchy phrase like “the devil you know…” trick you into forfeiting the peace, purpose, and partnership God designed for you.

You’re not asking for too much. You’re just asking the wrong person.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍 Marriage Works.

Sharpening with a Pocketknife

The pencil got sharpened…but not in the best way.

I watched a man take out a small pocketknife and begin shaving away at a pencil. 

Bit by bit, slowly and carefully, he whittled it down. 

Eventually, the pencil was sharp enough to write...but it took longer, left a mess, and wasted more wood than necessary.

That moment stuck with me.

Because in marriage, we do this a lot.

We figure out ways to get things done in our homes…but sometimes we settle for “it works” even though it’s not working well.

We’ve learned to talk, but not to listen. We’ve figured out how to keep the peace, but not how to make peace. We’ve built systems around avoidance, not connection. We’ve learned to “live together,” but not to grow together.

Yes...the marriage is still “writing,” but is it sharpened?

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Effectiveness is doing the thing.

Efficiency is doing it in the best way.

And often in marriage, we cling to survival tactics that were never meant to be long-term tools:

• Silent treatment instead of honest dialogue.

• Doing everything yourself instead of asking for help.

• Making snide jokes instead of addressing the hurt.

• Using prayer to talk about your spouse to God instead of praying for your spouse to God.

It’s like sharpening with a pocketknife when the sharpener is right there.

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The truth is: old tools work…but they waste time, energy, intimacy, and trust.

Maybe it’s time to ask:

• Is how we resolve conflict actually healthy - or just familiar?

• Do we communicate in ways that build us up - or just keep things from blowing up?

• Are we pouring into each other - or just pouring out complaints?

Sometimes, a marriage doesn’t need a rescue....it just needs a new rhythm.

The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 10:10  “If the axe is dull and its edge unsharpened, more strength is needed, but skill will bring success.” 

Friend, you don’t need to keep hacking away in frustration.

🪓 Sharpen the axe. 

🗣 Rethink the conversation. 

🤝 Reframe the approach. 

💡 Relearn the tools. 

🙏🏾 Refuel the heart.

It’s not about changing your spouse...it’s about asking God to help you sharpen how you love them.

Because love is not just “getting the job done.” It’s doing it with care, grace, wisdom, and skill.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍 Marriage Works.

Don't Be That Wife

Proverbs 21:9 (NLT) say “It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.”

This verse of the scripture should make any Christian wife pause.

Not because God is giving husbands an excuse to leave. 
Not because God is trying to shame anyone. 

But because God is warning us; He's saying: Your attitude matters.

Being quarrelsome isn’t just “being strong-willed.” 
It’s not about being assertive or having a voice. 
No, a quarrelsome wife is someone who habitually argues, complains, picks fights, and keeps tension alive even when it’s unnecessary.

It’s a spirit. 
A contentious spirit. 
And it's contagious...it infects the home, the children, and the very atmosphere of what should be a peaceful and safe space.

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What Does It Mean to Be Quarrelsome?

• To nag until resentment replaces affection.
• To criticize so much that your words blur into background noise.
• To escalate everything, even the small stuff, until your spouse shuts down.
• To turn correction into condemnation.
• To be emotionally unpredictable...making others walk on eggshells.

Quarrelsomeness doesn’t always look like shouting. 
Sometimes it’s that sarcastic jab. 
Sometimes it’s that tone that says, “You never do anything right.” 
Sometimes it’s the way we weaponize silence and withhold affection.
And many times, we don’t even know we’ve become that wife.

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1 Peter 3:4 (NLT) says “You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.”

This doesn’t mean you lose your voice. 
It means your voice is anchored in grace.
It doesn’t mean you agree with everything. 
It means you learn to disagree without dishonor.
It doesn’t mean you tolerate foolishness. 
It means you confront it with wisdom, not warfare.

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How do I handle the quarrelsome spirit?

• Ask the Holy Spirit to show you any patterns of strife in your communication.
• Listen to how your spouse responds to you. Are they tense? Defensive? Distant?
• Practice gentleness. Not weakness. Gentleness.
• Affirm more than you correct.
• Pause before you speak. Is it necessary? Is it kind? Will it bring peace or provoke another fight?
• Model the love of Christ...the kind that draws hearts, not wounds them.

It’s not enough to live in a lovely home with granite countertops and coordinated throw pillows...if the home itself feels emotionally unsafe.

The attic may be smaller...but at least there's peace.

Don’t be the reason peace packs up and moves upstairs.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍 Marriage Works.

You Heard It. You Just Didn’t Change.

I was watching a Dhar Mann video the other day...the kind that teaches life lessons through simple stories. In the comment section, someone asked, “What movie is this from?”

Clearly, they weren’t familiar with Dhar Mann’s work. 

It was an honest question.

What baffled me wasn’t the question though...it was the responses.

Some were kind, sure. 

But many were sarcastic, dismissive, even mean.

The irony?

The whole point of the video was kindness...how it comes back to you.

How it matters.

How we all need it.

Yet...here were people watching a video about kindness, taking notes on kindness...and still choosing to be unkind.

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I thought about this for a while; how sometimes in marriage, there is a disconnect between what we hear and how we live.

There is so much content out there today aimed at helping people improve their marriages.

Podcasts. 

Sermons. 

YouTube channels. 

Instagram reels.

We’re surrounded by advice. 

Immersed in wisdom.

And still, many couples are stuck in the same toxic cycles...because consuming truth and choosing truth are not the same.

It’s not that the voice of good is silent.

It’s that some folks have gotten so used to their ways, they can’t even see how wrong they are anymore.

Correction feels like attack.

Accountability feels like disrespect.

Every reminder to love better sounds like a personal insult.

They heard the message.

They just didn’t change.

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Sadly, we can get to a point in marriage, or in life generally, where the heart becomes dull.

Not because God stopped speaking.

Not because our spouse stopped trying.

But because we stopped listening.

Jesus said in Matthew 13:15: “For this people’s heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed...”

This isn’t about ignorance.

It’s about willful blindness.

That moment when you know you’re wrong, but your pride won’t let you say it.

When you know your tone was off, but you blame the other person’s sensitivity.

When you know you’ve been neglectful, but all you do is point out how you pay the bills.

Truth is...we don’t need more content.

We need more conviction.

We need more humility.

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Kindness only works if we live it.

Love only transforms if we surrender to it.

A marriage only thrives if both people allow truth to touch their character.

If you’ve heard all the sermons, watched all the clips, and still treat your spouse like they’re disposable...you don’t have a knowledge problem.

You have a heart problem.

Ask God for help.

David said in Psalm 51:10 “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” 

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The world doesn’t need more viral marriage quotes.

It needs more husbands and wives who actually live what they post.

It needs couples who are quick to listen, slow to speak, and even slower to take offense.

It needs people who choose growth over ego. Conviction over comfort.

Kindness is still powerful.

Change is still possible.

God is still in the business of transforming hearts.

Just don’t be the one who heard the truth and stayed the same.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍 Marriage Works.

Mr. Ukandu and the Lesson We Must Not Ignore

The story has gone viral.

Mr. Ukandu, an ordained Elder in his church, trained all his children through the university. His first daughter now lives in the U.S. His first son is in Canada. His second son is in Japan. His last child is schooling in Ghana. His wife went to the U.S. for omugwo...the beautiful cultural tradition of caring for a daughter who just had a baby.

But she has refused to come back. She is now earning money in the U.S. babysitting.

And so, Mr. Ukandu spends his retirement days alone, eating by himself, and keeping to himself. He cannot remarry...his children don’t want to hear of it, he cannot afford it, and as an Elder in the church, it’s not an option.

The question was asked: “Any regrets?”

Before we rush to judge, let’s sit with the mirror this story holds up to men, marriages, and families.

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More Than School Fees

I know a younger couple; wifey's mum came for omugwo. After four weeks, she told her daughter she had to go home. 

Why? Because she missed her husband and couldn’t be comfortable knowing he had nobody to care for him...even though there was house help in the house to take care of him.

That’s emotional investment.

Many men pour everything into the children, the house, and the family...but very little into the marriage or the relationship with their wife. They end up co-parenting until the children no longer need parents.

The school fees you paid or financial responsibilities won’t make up for the emptiness your wife carried alone.

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Boss or Leader?

Some men believe that because they “write the cheques,” they automatically earn respect. But men are called to be leaders, not bosses.

There’s an age every man reaches where what you can get will never compare with what you can lose. At that point, it’s not about sex anymore. It’s about companionship.

I saw this up close recently. I lost someone very close to me, she was like my mum. She was over 80...her husband cried like a baby. One could tell that he had lost a friend, and a companion. His tears made many of us weep too. That is what companionship looks like. That is what investment looks like.

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The Children Are Watching

We must not forget: children see everything. They take sides. Especially when Dad is hardly home and brings drama when he is.

Don’t just train your children in school...raise them too. Be present for the events and moments that matter to them, not just the bills. Share the disciplinarian role so that your wife isn’t always the shield and you the sword. 

Don’t be feared more than you are loved.

Because one day, those children will grow up and scatter across the globe...like Mr. Ukandu’s. And if all you invested in was their tuition, you may find yourself alone with your certificates of sacrifice, but without the companionship of the woman you vowed to love.

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Mr. Ukandu’s story is a sober warning. It is not enough to invest financially while neglecting emotional intimacy and relational presence.

Men, your marriage is not a side project. Your wife is not an afterthought. Companionship, love, and shared life matter deeply in the long run.

Ecclesiastes 9:9 says, “Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun.”

So, Oga...before you become the next headline or viral story, check your investments. Because in the end, what you lose may be greater than what you ever gave.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍 Marriage Works.

INTIMACY ISN’T A CODE WORD FOR SEX

When many married folks hear the word intimacy, their minds make a sharp turn into the bedroom.

Sex.

Don’t get me wrong...sex is sacred, powerful, and beautiful in marriage. 

But it’s one form of intimacy. 

And often, it’s the fruit of other forms of intimacy that have been cultivated intentionally.

If the only place a couple connects is in bed, they’re missing out on the deeper, richer textures of intimacy that God designed for marriage.

Let’s break this down.

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Intellectual Intimacy: 

This is where minds connect. 

You talk about ideas, dreams, news, books, random rabbit holes. 

You think together. 

You allow space to disagree and still respect each other’s thought process.

Sometimes, good intimacy is found in deep midnight convos about nothing and everything.

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Emotional Intimacy:

Can you talk to your spouse about what’s really going on in your heart? 

Your fears? 

Your past? 

The things you can’t quite explain but feel deeply?

Emotional intimacy is when you feel safe to be emotionally naked...not because you’ve always got the perfect words, but because you know you won’t be judged for what you’re carrying.

Proverbs 20:5 reminds us, “The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.”

Let your spouse draw you out.

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Physical Intimacy (Non-Sexual):

Holding hands. 

A lingering hug. 

That arm-around-you-at-the-grocery-store moment. 

A kiss on the forehead just because.

You can be physically connected without it being a prelude to sex. 

It reminds your spouse: I see you, I feel you, I’m with you.

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Spiritual Intimacy:

Have you ever prayed with your spouse?

Worshipped together? 

Shared a Word that blew your mind? 

Confessed a struggle? 

Lifted each other up spiritually?

There’s a depth here that sex could never match. Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, “A cord of three strands is not easily broken.” 

That third strand? God. 

When He is the thread that runs through your intimacy, it binds you tighter than anything else.

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Experiential Intimacy:

This is built over time. 

Laughing over shared jokes. 

Remembering a place, a scent, a story. 

Watching the kids sleep and looking at each other like, “we made that.”

It’s camping trips gone wrong, sick days turned bonding days, and family wins that feel like personal victories.

Every shared experience adds another brick to the foundation of your closeness.

........................................

Sexual Intimacy (Beyond the Act):

Yes, sex is part of intimacy...but it’s not just the physical act. 

It’s how you feel wanted. 

Desired. 

Known. 

Respected.

True sexual intimacy grows when the other types of intimacy are nurtured.

You want better sex?

Start with better connection.

Better conversation.

Better vulnerability.

Better trust.

........................................

Sometimes couples stop growing intimacy outside of the bedroom because of routines, resentment, busyness, or just plain ignorance.

But lack of intimacy; emotional, intellectual, spiritual...will always show up as distance in the bedroom eventually.

That’s not a physical issue. 

It’s a heart issue.

...........................................

What can we do about this?

Ask your spouse: “Which of these types of intimacy do you feel most connected to me in?”

Make room for conversations beyond bills, chores, and logistics.

Don’t reduce intimacy to intercourse.

Build trust in the quiet, ordinary moments.

Invite God into every part of your intimacy.

Marriage isn't just about touching bodies...it's about touching souls.

And when all the layers of intimacy are present, the marriage becomes what God intended...a picture of unity, safety, joy, and love.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍 Marriage Works.

TAKEN FOR GRANTED OR TREASURED DAILY?

(It's day 3 of talking about the topic...the responses keep birthing new angles and perspectives)

It’s wild how easy it is to take for granted what we once called a blessing.

The spouse we once prayed for. 

The person who made our heart race. 

The one we couldn’t stop texting… 

who made us smile for no reason… 

who we once told, “I can’t believe I get to do life with you.”

Now? 

We barely look up when they walk in. 

We don’t notice when they’re trying. 

We criticize more than we appreciate. 

We don’t even say thank you anymore...not because we’re ungrateful, but because we’ve gotten used to the gift.

It’s not that they’ve stopped being valuable. 

It’s that we’ve stopped seeing it.

Yes, it's familiarity that we have been talking about for days now.

It makes us lazy. 

It makes us forget. 

It makes us act like presence is a promise and effort is automatic.

But the truth is: no one wants to be tolerated. 

No one wants to be the background noise in their own home. 

No one wants to feel invisible in the place they give their all to.

And sometimes, when someone feels taken for granted long enough, they stop trying. 

Not out of revenge. Just…exhaustion.

That’s why we’re reminded in Proverbs 5:18 to “rejoice in the wife of your youth.” It doesn’t say “endure her” or “manage him.” 

It says rejoice. 

Celebrate. 

Appreciate. 

Keep the awe alive.

So here’s the question:

Are you taking your spouse for granted…or treasuring them daily?

When was the last time you looked at them with fresh eyes? 

When was the last time you thanked them for being who they are? 

When was the last time you chose to admire, not just analyze?

Sometimes, the difference between a “meh” marriage and a meaningful one is this simple choice: To treat your spouse like they still matter. 

Like they still move you. 

Like they’re still worth the effort.

Not because they’re perfect. But because they’re yours.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍 Marriage Works.

-

Treat Them Like You Almost Lost Them

(Got into some conversations after yesterday's post and I had to do a sequel.)

There’s a kind of gratitude that only hits after a near loss.

You see it in the way people talk about loved ones they almost lost to illness or tragedy...how it recalibrates their entire perspective. 

Suddenly, the little annoyances don’t matter. 

They hold hands more. 

They listen harder. 

They say “I love you” like they mean it. 

Because they do.

But what if we didn’t wait for almost losing to appreciate what we have?

In marriage, it’s easy to get used to the presence of someone who was once your answered prayer. 

The person you once begged God for now shares your bathroom sink. And slowly, subtly, appreciation can turn into assumption.

Until something shakes you.

A health scare. 

A close call. 

A major fight. 

A wake-up call.

Truth is: you shouldn’t need a crisis to remind you that your spouse is a gift.

..............................

Familiar doesn't mean Forgettable

We think “familiarity breeds contempt,” but that’s only true when intentionality dies.

Familiarity can breed comfort, safety, warmth, and depth...if we still choose to see.

To see them as irreplaceable.

To speak to them like someone who matters.

To touch them like you still mean it.

To hold space for their fears and dreams, even if you’ve heard them before.

....................................

The Bible says, in Romans 5:8, “God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

Love shows up before it’s deserved.

Love gives its best before there’s loss.

Love doesn’t wait until things are hanging by a thread.

So why do we?

................................

Think about it; What if you treated them like you almost lost them?

Would you still nitpick the dishes?

Would you still scroll through your phone while they talk? (I'm super guilty of this...working on it)

Would you still roll your eyes at their quirks?

Or would you hold them longer...

Speak more gently...

Forgive more quickly...

Because you can lose what you take for granted.

..............................

Don’t wait for the marriage to be on life support before you bring flowers.

Don’t wait for silence before you say what needs to be said.

Don’t wait for almost-losing before you start loving.

Treat them like you almost lost them. Because one day...

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍 Marriage Works.

WHEN YOU MISSED EVERY RED FLAG

And Now You're Married…What Next?

I was having one of those heart-level conversations with my wife recently...it came out of a question I had asked and I struck gold. 

We were talking about what happens when someone marries in spite of all the red flags.

When they ignored counsel, silenced their gut, explained away every warning sign...

And now they’re deep in the thick of it.

Not hypothetical. 

Not dating. 

Not engaged.

Married.

The vows have been said. 

The signatures are on paper. 

There’s furniture with both names on the receipt. 

There are children in the picture and years of entanglement and shared history.

And now?

Reality hits.

Hard.

I asked: 

"What do you do when you realize you walked yourself into a mess? 

Is that it? 

Are you sentenced to a life of misery...forever?"

.............................

Her response was spot on. You Can’t Undo the Past...But You Can Build From It

And I got the answer I was looking for.

There are two temptations in that moment:

One is to run.

The other is to pretend nothing is wrong and stay stuck in survival mode.

But what if I told you rock bottom isn’t the end of the road?

What if it’s the start of reconstruction?

Romans 8:28 tells us that "...ALL things work together for good to those who love God..." 

Even when the mess is self-inflicted.

Even when you missed every clue He tried to show you before the wedding.

The beauty of grace is that it doesn’t erase consequences...but it does provide a path forward.

You can’t build a new story by denying the old one.

But you can build a firm foundation from the rubble...if you’re willing to be honest about how the building collapsed in the first place.

................................

It's hard (but holy) work

Here’s how you start:

You and your spouse MUST be WILLING to say, “We didn’t start this right…but we want to finish it well.”

What does that mean?

1. Owning the mistakes (no more blame-shifting or wishing you had chosen better).

2. Knowing this will take work and time - It is not a flip switch, be ready to roll up your sleeves and get to work. be ready to stay with it and give it time to grow.

3. Seeking wise, godly counsel - not just friends who will tell you what you want to hear.

4. Getting help - from therapists, pastors, marriage mentors who won’t just hand you platitudes but will walk with you through the mess.

5. Creating a new blueprint - based not on fantasy or fear, but on truth and accountability.

6. Inviting God into the center of it. Not as a last-ditch effort. But as the cornerstone. Remember "Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it" (Psalm 127:1).

...........................

The same God who gives beauty for ashes, who redeemed Peter after his denial, and rebuilt Paul’s life from persecutor to preacher, is still redeeming marriages that started all wrong.

But that redemption starts when we stop pretending and start rebuilding...TOGETHER. (You both have to want it.)

Marriage is a covenant, not a contract

A contract says, “If you mess up, I’m out.”

A covenant says, “We’ve messed up…but with God’s help, we’re going to work this out.”

Is it easy? No.

Is it possible? Absolutely.

There’s hope after poor choices.

There’s healing after broken beginnings.

There’s grace even when you got it wrong.

Because what you build after the fall may be more beautiful, more honest, and more God-honoring than the polished version you imagined at the altar.

But only if you let God do the rebuilding.

“Though he fall, he shall not be cast down, for the Lord upholds him with His hand.”  Psalm 37:24

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍 Marriage Works.

Are You Their Ideal…or Just Looking for One?

We’ve all heard someone say,

“I’m just waiting for the right one…”
“The one God has for me…”
“I have standards…”
“I know what I want in a man/woman…”

But I saw a post recently and it made me think deep:
“Will your ideal person also consider you ideal—or are you just refurbished material looking for a naive taker to scam?”

Ouch.

But let’s sit with that for a second.

Everyone has a picture of who they want.
But not many stop to ask: Am I the kind of person they would even be praying for?

We want:

• A spouse that communicates…however, we shut down when there’s conflict.
• Someone spiritual…while our spiritual life has cobwebs.
• Someone kind…but we’re rude to waiters and roll our eyes during disagreements.
• Someone who’s healed…when we haven’t done the hard work of healing ourselves.

Truth is, you attract what you are, not what you say you want.
You might impress someone with your looks, your car, your swag, your talk…
…but it’s your character that will determine if you stay ideal in their eyes.

This isn’t about perfection. 
No one’s perfect.

But being "ready" for marriage isn’t about crossing off someone else's checklist.
It’s about doing the inner work to become a good partner.

Jesus said, in Matthew 7:16, “You will know them by their fruit.” 

Not by their looks. 
Not by their vibes. 
Not even by their potential.
By. Their. Fruit.

That means the work must go deeper than your outfit, your job title, or your proposal speech.What fruit would someone find if they dated or married you today?

It’s time we stopped praying only for a "Proverbs 31 woman" or a "Job 29 man" (Someone who's worked on themself, so we can come harvest)
…and asked God to make us that kind of person.

While looking for someone, you should also become someone who would be a blessing to marry.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍 Marriage Works.

I Knew It…And I Still Love It

As a married person, have you ever seen something and whispered, “I knew it”?

The shirt from church, not hung, not folded, just laying on the chair.

The lotion bottle left wide open.

The phone battery sitting at 15%, unbothered and unplugged.

That crisp $10 note still in the jeans tossed into the laundry basket.

It’s not prophecy. 

It’s familiarity.

You know them so well, you could bet on it.

And sometimes…you probably have.

These are the quirks.

The fingerprints of your spouse’s presence in your shared space.

The predictable unpredictables that make them them.

We tend to treat these things like irritants, like mini crimes against order. But what if they were actually…invitations?

Invitations to smile. 

To serve. 

To remember.

They are reminders that our spouse is human. 

That they still need us. 

That we haven’t outgrown each other’s help.

Some of the things we complain about?

Take them away, and marriage gets dull real fast.

No toothpaste wars. No thermostat debates.

Just…eerie perfection. 

And silence.

That’s not love. 

That’s a simulation.

The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 7:13 "Consider the work of God: For who can make straight what He has made crooked?"

Sometimes, what feels “crooked” in marriage is not sin… 

it’s difference.

 It’s personality. 

It’s idiosyncrasy. 

And God weaves it all into your story on purpose.

So the next time you find the sock that didn’t make it into the dirty laundry basket, or the milk cap unscrewed with confidence…

Before you sigh, pause and smile.

Say:

 “I knew it.”

“I love them, regardless.”

“I still choose us.”

Because this lifelong ride is a mix of beautiful chaos and predictable joy.

And grace knows how to laugh in love.

Even when the phone is at 15%.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍 Marriage Works.

WHEN CONNECTION GETS CROWDED OUT

I’ve had some amazing conversations since the post “When Old Wounds Show Up at the Table.” 

And one thing keeps coming up: the importance of conversations in marriage.

No, not the functional kind...the ones about school fees, doctor's appointments, who outgrew their sneakers, or which weekend we’re visiting Uncle Ade in Philly.

Those are logistics, not intimacy.

I’m talking about conversations that feed the relationship...that nurture the “us” in the midst of the daily hustle. 

The kind where nothing is on the agenda but connection. 

Where there’s space to open up, laugh, be silly, be serious, be quiet. 

Just be together.

Truth is: the wounds you never address, the trauma you never revisit, the weight you pretend you’re not carrying...none of that disappears. But those things can start to heal in the safe space of consistent, intentional, unhurried connection.

And the keyword there? INTENTIONAL.

These kinds of moments don’t just happen. 

Not with demanding jobs, soccer practice, laundry piles, ministry commitments, and a to-do list that never goes on vacation.

You have to carve it out. 

Not for the kids. 

Not for work. 

Not even for church. 

For each other.

Even on days when you’ve got nothing pressing to say. 

Sit. 

Chill. 

Watch a movie. 

Take a walk. 

Share popcorn and silence. 

Let your guard down together. 

Let your spouse see the version of you that isn’t performing.

There’s something profoundly biblical about this too.

Ecclesiastes 9:9 (NLT) says, “Live happily with the woman you love through all the meaningless days of life that God has given you under the sun…”

Did you catch that? Live happily. 

Not just function well. 

God designed companionship for joy, not just efficiency.

And joy doesn’t thrive in rush. It needs room. 

It needs rhythm. 

It needs recurring reminders that “we matter.”

If you’re too busy to talk, you’re too busy to grow.

If you’re always on the move, but never truly present, your marriage will eventually feel like a partnership of co-managers...not lovers.

Let's take this challenge: 

Block out time this week/weekend...real, phone-on-silent, eye-contact time, and just be about you two.

Before the wounds start talking louder than your words.

(Remember, it's all about consistency, not intensity)

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍 Marriage Works.

Real Tennis & Simulated Love

I’ve played tennis on Wii-Sports for years. 

I''m pretty good at it too...solid form, killer serves, perfect angles. 

At least, that’s what I thought…

Then we went on vacation to Colorado, and I played real tennis. 

On an actual court. 

Under real sun. 

With real rackets, real sweat, and real wind messing with my shots.

Needless to say, it wasn’t the same.

What felt like “skill” in the virtual world didn’t quite translate on that court.

I couldn’t blame lag, wind resistance wasn’t optional, and stamina? Ha! Let’s just say the real game came with muscles I hadn’t used before.

And I started to think about it...simulation, at its best, is still no match for the real thing.

........................

This got me thinking about - The “Let’s Just Live Together First” Theory

There’s a school of thought floating around, especially among folks considering marriage:

“Let’s live together first. Let’s see if we’re compatible. If it works in practice, we’ll make it official.”

In theory, it sounds wise.

In reality, it’s simulated tennis.

You get some of the movements, but not all of the meaning.

You experience aspects of cohabitation, but not the covenant.

You might learn how they fold laundry or what they sound like when they snore...but that’s not the test of readiness for marriage.

Because marriage will take you into moments and depths that no “trial version” can truly simulate.

............................

There Are Scenarios That Only Marriage Reveals

There are conversations you won't have...

Triggers you won’t encounter...

Fights you won’t fight...

and grace you won't learn how to extend...until that covenant ring is slipped on and the vows have been exchanged.

Marriage activates a part of the heart, the commitment, and the spiritual realm that no dry-run or domestic rehearsal can imitate.

................................

So What’s the Real Preparation?

You want to be ready for marriage?

Don’t try to “test drive” the sacred.

Try this instead:

Build a life rooted in God’s Word.

Learn how to communicate, not just cohabitate.

Cultivate self-control, not just shared chores.

Embrace commitment over convenience.

Because the real anchor for marriage is not found in shared rent or a joint grocery list.

It’s found in God.

He is the glue... 

the guide... 

the grace that sustains when even love feels thin.

...............................

The Marriage You Want Isn’t Built in Simulation

If Wii-Sports tennis taught me anything, it’s this:

There’s no substitute for the real thing.

And when it comes to marriage, trying to play the covenant game with cohabitation as a warm-up is like trying to win Wimbledon with thumb reflexes and a controller.

You don’t build a lifetime of love on borrowed time.

So don’t fear the real thing.

Get ready. 

In the right way. 

With the right foundation.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍 Marriage Works.