What Did Jesus Give Up?

Still on my brothers' case (I'm sorry)

I was reading Ephesians 5:26-28 again

…Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to Himself as a glorious church, without stain or wrinkle or any such blemish, but holy and blameless.

And it struck me - Jesus gave something up to prove His love.

We usually talk about loving like Jesus but hardly touch on what he gave up in love.

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What did He give up?

Let's look at these scriptures.

Colossians 1:15-17 The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For in Him all things were created, things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities. All things were created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together

Hebrews 1:2-3 But in these last days He has spoken to us by His Son, whom He appointed heir of all things, and through whom He made the universe. The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of His nature, upholding all things by His powerful word. After He had provided purification for sins, He sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high.

Phil 2:6-8 Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!

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What then does this mean for husbands?

Love like Christ was not sentimental.

It was sacrificial.

Let's look at who Jesus really was again.

• The image of the invisible God.
• The one through whom all things were created.
• The one before all things, the one in whom everything holds together.
• The radiance of God’s glory.
• The exact representation of His nature.
• The one who upholds the universe by the word of His power.

This is cosmic authority.

Power beyond comprehension.

Yet Philippians says something startling.

Though He was equal with God,

• He did not cling to it.
• He made Himself nothing.
• He took the form of a servant.
• He humbled Himself… even to death on a cross.

Think about that.

The one who made life

submitted to death.

The one who holds the universe together

allowed Himself to be nailed to wood.

The one who could command angels

chose silence before accusers.

Love cost Him something.

So when Scripture tells husbands to love like Christ,

it is not calling us to poetic language.

It is calling us to surrender power.

Not authority.

Not leadership.

But the things we often use to protect ourselves.

• Ego.
• Machismo.
• Pride.
• The need to win every argument.
• The need to always be right.
• The need to preserve image.

Jesus did not prove His love with dominance.

He proved it with surrender.

He gave something up.

Many men want the wife of their dreams.

But Christ-like love asks a different question.

What are you willing to lay down?

• Your pride when apology is needed?
• Your ego when she needs understanding?
• Your control when partnership is required?
• Your reputation when protection is necessary?

Love that costs nothing proves nothing.

But love that sacrifices power reveals depth.

Christ did not stop being powerful when He humbled Himself.

He showed what true power looks like.

The power to lay something down.

Marriage calls husbands higher.

Not to rule with strength…

but to lead with sacrifice.

Because sometimes the greatest display of love

is not what you say.

It is what you give up.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

I'm Her Husband: Show It, Don't Just Say It

Let me talk to my brothers today.

There’s a video trend going around.

A man walks into a store, spots a woman struggling…

reaching for something too high,

lifting something too heavy,

figuring it out on her own.

And right next to her?

Her man.

On his phone.

Checked out.

Present… but not engaged.

So the stranger steps in.

Offers help.

Adds a little charm.

A little attention.

And suddenly, the man who was just standing there comes alive.

“She has a man.”

“I’m her husband.”

“I’m her boyfriend.”

The posture changes, as his voice sharpens.

And he makes the claim.

And then comes the question that exposes everything:

“Why weren’t you helping her?”

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It’s a simple moment.

But it says a lot.

Because protection is not just what you say

when someone else steps in.

It’s what you do

before anyone else feels the need to.

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There are men who will guard their territory loudly…

but neglect their responsibility quietly.

They will speak up when another man shows interest…

but stay silent when their wife needs support.

They will mark presence…

but not offer service.

And over time, that gap begins to show.

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Song of Solomon 2:15 says,

“Catch for us the little foxes… the little foxes that ruin the vineyards.”

Not the big moments.

The small ones.

The everyday neglect.

The missed opportunities to show up.

The moments where help was needed…

and you chose convenience instead.

That’s where things begin to erode.

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So we are clear.

This is not about competition with other men.

It’s about consistency within your own home.

Because your wife should not have to look around

to feel seen.

She should not have to struggle beside you

while you scroll past her.

She should not have to receive care from a stranger

to remind you what you’ve stopped offering.

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And yes… people are looking.

Not just with bad intentions.

Sometimes just with awareness.

Seeing what you’ve grown used to ignoring.

Seeing value where you’ve become familiar.

And familiarity, if care is not taken,

can turn appreciation into assumption.

“She knows I love her.”

“She’ll be fine.”

“It’s not that serious.”

Until one day…

it feels like it is.

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This is not about fear.

It’s about attention.

Because love is not proven in how loudly you claim her…

but in how consistently you care for her.

In the small things.

The unnoticed things.

The moments where no one is watching.

Except her.

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Don’t wait for another man

to remind you what you have.

Show her.

In how you serve.

In how you notice.

In how you show up… even when it’s inconvenient.

Because the strongest “I’m her man”

is not spoken.

It’s seen.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

“Like All the Other Nations”

In 1 Samuel 8, Israel asked for something that seemed reasonable.

A king.

Not because things were going badly.

Not because their system was failing.

But because something felt… off.

Everyone else had one.

“…appoint a king to lead us, such as all the other nations have.” They had said.

Samuel was troubled by the request.

God was not surprised.

So He told Samuel to listen to them... but also warn them.

Because the thing they wanted so they could feel normal would come with consequences.

A king would take their sons.

A king would take their daughters.

A king would take their land.

A king would take their resources.

Still, they insisted.

Why?

Because belonging felt more important than wisdom.

Marriage can fall into the same trap.

Sometimes couples are doing just fine.

Things work.

Communication works.

Finances work.

Roles work.

Rhythms work.

But then comparison quietly enters the room.

“Other couples do this.”

“Everyone else handles it that way.”

“Are we weird for not doing it like them?”

And suddenly something that was working becomes questioned.

Not because it stopped working.

Because it isn’t common.

Comparison can make healthy marriages feel strange.

Some couples combine all their finances.

Some couples keep certain things separate.

Some couples are very social.

Some couples are deeply private.

Some couples travel often.

Some couples build quietly at home.

Some couples talk through everything.

Some couples process slowly.

None of these are automatically right or wrong.

The question shouldn't be:

What is everyone else doing?

The question we should ask is:

What is working for the covenant you are building?

Israel wanted a king so they could look like the nations around them.

But they forgot something important.

They were never meant to look like everyone else.

Their uniqueness was part of their calling.

Marriage works the same way.

Your relationship will have rhythms that are unique to you.

Ways you solve problems.

Ways you celebrate.

Ways you support each other.

What works for another couple may feel unnatural for yours.

And forcing it can introduce problems that were never there before.

Wisdom in marriage requires discernment.

Not everything popular is wise.

Not everything uncommon is wrong.

Sometimes the thing that makes your marriage “different” is exactly the thing protecting it.

So before copying what everyone else is doing, pause and ask:

Is this helping our covenant…

or are we just trying to feel normal?

Because healthy marriages are not built on imitation.

They are built on understanding what works for the two people inside the covenant.

What makes your marriage unique?

Protect it.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

Prepare Before the Rain

You don’t wait for rain before preparing.

You check the forecast.

You carry the umbrella.

You fix the roof.

You close the windows.

Preparation is not pessimism.

It is wisdom.

I saw a quote that said if you wait to feel loving before acting loving, marriage will feel stuck.

That made me pause and think.

Because many couples are waiting for emotional weather to change before they change behavior.

“I don’t feel close.”

“I don’t feel respected.”

“I don’t feel valued.”

“I don’t feel loved.”

So they pause love until feelings return.

But love in Scripture was never built on emotional permission.

Love is practice.

Love is posture.

Love is preparation.

Farmers do not wait for rain to buy seeds.

Builders do not wait for storms to strengthen foundations.

Wise couples do not wait for feelings to act loving.

They prepare.

They check in when nothing is wrong.

They apologize before resentment matures.

They invest before crisis demands it.

They speak gently before tension escalates.

Because feelings follow environments.

And environments are built by actions.

Matthew 7 talks about houses standing in storms not because storms were avoided, but because preparation happened earlier.

Many marriages are not weak.

They are unprepared.

Waiting for love to feel easy is like waiting for rain to prove you need a roof.

By then… it is late.

Scripture consistently calls us to action first.

Husbands love.

Wives respect.

Both forgive.

Both forbear.

Both pursue peace.

Not when it feels natural.

When it is necessary.

Preparation looks small.

A text.

A touch.

A pause.

A prayer.

A conversation you don’t feel like having.

Seeds rarely look dramatic.

But harvest always remembers them.

The strongest marriages are not the ones that feel loving all the time.

They are the ones that practice love consistently.

Before the rain.

During the rain.

After the rain.

Because feelings are weather.

But covenant is climate.

Prepare.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

The “GB” in Marriage

There’s a consonant in my native language (Yoruba Langiage) that not everyone can pronounce.

“gb.”

It’s not a sound you stumble into casually.

Your tongue and lips have to work together in a very particular way.

People who didn’t grow up around it usually do the best they can and settle for something close.

Most times, it becomes “b.”

So instead of Olagbaju, you might hear “Olabaju.”

I’ve heard it many times.

Not as an insult.

Not as a slight.

Just… the closest they can get.

And honestly, I understand.

Sometimes the funniest version of this happens at home. I’ll ask my kids to pronounce their last name the way it was meant to be said. They grew up in a different culture, around different sounds, different tongues.

My eldest tries.

You can see the effort on her face. She pauses, leans into it, slows down the syllables, trying to pull that stubborn “gb” out of somewhere in her mouth.

“Ol…ag…ba…ju.”

Sometimes she nails it.

Sometimes the “gb” quietly becomes a “b.”

And we laugh.

Because you can see she’s trying.

And that effort matters more than the sound.

It made me think about marriage.

Sometimes your spouse gives you a “b” where you were hoping for a “gb.”

Not because they don’t care.

But because that’s the closest they can get with what they currently know… what they’ve experienced… what they grew up hearing.

Some people were not raised in homes where affection was spoken easily.

So when they try to say “I love you,” it may sound awkward.

Others didn’t grow up around apology.

So when they try to say “I’m sorry,” it may come out clumsy.

Some people never saw conflict handled gently.

So when they try to have difficult conversations, their tone may feel rough around the edges.

You hear “b.”

But what they were reaching for… was “gb.”

This is not about excusing bad behavior.

Growth still matters.

Communication still matters.

Effort still matters.

But marriage becomes lighter when we learn to recognize effort before perfection.

When we see someone leaning toward us… even if the sound isn’t quite right yet.

The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:7: “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

Sometimes what love bears is not betrayal or cruelty.

Sometimes what love bears… is imperfection.

Sometimes it’s the sound of someone trying.

Marriage is not sustained by two people who always get 'the pronunciation' right.

It’s sustained by two people who keep trying to learn each other’s language.

And sometimes…

You just smile and accept the “b.”

Because you know in their heart…

they were reaching for “gb.”

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

 

Pray On It. Pray Over It. Pray Through It.

I have a sweatshirt that says:

Pray on it.

Pray over it.

Pray through it.

I was wearing it recently, and it made me think about marriage.

Because prayer does not just belong in crisis.

It ALSO belongs in covenant.

And sometimes we pray in different ways depending on the season.

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Pray On It

Before decisions.

Before reactions.

Before conclusions.

To pray on your marriage is to pause and invite God into the moment before you move.

Before you send that message.

Before you respond to that tone.

Before you assume the worst.

Before you make a decision that affects both of you.

James 1:5 says if anyone lacks wisdom, ask God.

Marriage presents plenty of moments where wisdom is needed.

Praying on it slows the impulse to react and replaces it with the humility to seek guidance.

Sometimes what looked like a problem becomes clearer when you pray first.

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Pray Over It

This is covering.

Marriage carries all kinds of weight: responsibilities, expectations, seasons of pressure.

To pray over your marriage is to stand guard spiritually.

You pray protection over your spouse.

You pray wisdom over decisions.

You pray peace over the home.

You pray strength over seasons that stretch both of you.

Like placing an umbrella over something valuable.

Scripture speaks about blessing and covering often.

When you pray over your marriage, you are acknowledging that the covenant is bigger than your effort alone.

It needs divine help.

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Pray Through It

This is the prayer most couples eventually meet.

Because every marriage will encounter moments that cannot be solved in one conversation.

Misunderstandings.

Financial pressure.

Family strain.

Emotional distance.

Seasons of fatigue.

Praying through something means staying with God until clarity or strength arrives.

Not a quick prayer.

A persevering one.

Romans 5 verse 4 talks about hope that produces endurance.

Prayer through a season says:

“We are not giving up.

We are walking with God until we reach the other side.”

Some breakthroughs in marriage are not immediate.

They are prayed through.

Marriage does not ONLY need romance.

It needs spiritual discipline.

Pray on the decisions.

Pray over the covenant.

Pray through the storms.

Because when God is consistently invited into a marriage, the couple is never fighting alone.

And sometimes the greatest act of love is not what you say to your spouse…

but what you say to God about them.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

Volume Is Not Authority

Dear married,

Volume is often the refuge of a weak argument.

You don’t have to shout to be right.

You don’t have to overpower to be heard.

You don’t have to raise your voice to raise your point.

When tone rises, listening usually falls.

And what started as disagreement becomes defense.

What started as discussion becomes survival.

Marriage is not a courtroom.

It is not a battlefield.

It is not a stage for dominance.

It is a covenant between two people who are supposed to feel safe with each other.

If your spouse flinches when your tone changes,

if your children go silent when you enter a room,

if your argument depends on decibels instead of clarity…

Pause.

James 1:19 tells us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.

Not because anger never feels justified.

But because volume rarely produces wisdom.

A loud voice can win a moment and lose connection.

A calm voice can preserve connection even in conflict.

Proverbs 15:1 says a gentle answer turns away wrath.

Not a clever one.

Not a louder one.

A gentle one.

Volume often hides insecurity.

When we feel unheard, we get louder.

When we feel threatened, we get sharper.

When we feel dismissed, we push harder.

But authority in marriage is not about who can dominate the room.

It is about who can regulate themselves.

Control over your tone is strength.

Restraint is maturity.

Calmness is leadership.

You don’t shout at someone you cherish.

You lean in.

You clarify.

You repeat if needed.

You breathe.

Your spouse is not your opponent.

They are on your side.

If your point is strong, it will stand at conversational volume.

Lower the tone.

Raise the wisdom.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

Regulate Yourself

We all have quirks.

Some are harmless.

Some are charming.

Some are simply…us.

But some quirks quietly strain relationships.

Not because they are evil.

Because they are unregulated.

People say, “Just be yourself.”

That sounds freeing.

Until “yourself” starts hurting the people closest to you.

There are people who pride themselves on saying it as it is.

Truth without grace.

There are people who say they don’t have time for nonsense…

and patience becomes the first casualty.

There are people who are highly organized…

but everyone around them feels managed.

None of these traits are inherently bad.

Clarity is good.

Efficiency is good.

Structure is good.

But unregulated strengths become relational weaknesses.

What makes us effective in life can make us exhausting in marriage.

And this is where many people hide behind identity.

“This is just how I am.”

“That’s my personality.”

“I’ve always been like this.”

But Scripture introduces a different idea in Galatians 5, from verse 22.

The self is real…

but the Spirit is meant to shape it.

God does not erase personality.

He regulates expression.

The fruit of the Spirit is not personality replacement.

It is personality refinement.

Love regulates bluntness.

Patience regulates urgency.

Kindness regulates efficiency.

Self-control regulates intensity.

Marriage exposes where regulation is needed.

Because your spouse experiences the unfiltered version of you.

Not the curated version.

Not the public version.

The real one.

And sometimes the greatest tension in marriage is not incompatibility.

It is unregulated self.

Your strength becomes pressure.

Your preference becomes expectation.

Your honesty becomes harshness.

Your order becomes control.

Peace requires regulation.

Not suppression.

Not pretending.

Regulation.

To pause before responding.

To soften tone without diluting truth.

To choose connection over being right.

To recognize impact even when intent was good.

The Spirit helps us do what willpower alone cannot.

Because regulation is spiritual work.

James 3:5  tells us the tongue is small but powerful.

Proverbs 15:1 reminds us a gentle answer turns away wrath.

Galatians 5 shows us that self-control is not optional maturity…

it is evidence of transformation.

In marriage, love is not just expressed in what we do.

It is expressed in how we regulate ourselves.

Who you are matters.

But how you show up matters more.

Don’t lose yourself.

Let God refine yourself.

Regulate it.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

Which Couple Is Happiest?

I saw this picture yesterday and the question was simple:

Which couple is the happiest?

At first glance, it feels like something you can answer quickly.
I jumped in to answer from what I thought I saw; another person on the platform shared their perspective...it was different from mine but also valid.

Then I saw something,

The more you look…

the more you realize…

You’re not really seeing happiness.

You’re interpreting it.

From where you are standing.

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Couple 1 - Balance and Connection

Both are carrying bags.

The husband holds the umbrella in a way that covers both.

There is physical touch.

Nothing feels forced.

It looks balanced.

Shared burden.

Shared covering.

Shared connection.

From where we are standing, this looks like a healthy picture.

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Couple 2 - Protection Without Connection

The husband tilts the umbrella toward his wife.

He is taking more of the rain so she doesn’t have to.

That is sacrificial.

But there is no touch.

No visible connection.

It feels like:

“I will take care of you… but I’m not necessarily close to you.”

From where we are standing, this could be a marriage with provision…

but limited emotional connection.

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Couple 3 - Function Without Intimacy

He carries the bags.

She holds the umbrella.

Everything is working.

But nothing feels warm.

No touch.

No leaning in.

It looks like a system.

Efficient.

Functional.

But maybe distant.

From where we are standing, this could be a marriage that works…

but doesn’t feel close.

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Couple 4 - Partnership and Intentionality

There is connection.

They are close.

It is almost hard to tell who is holding the umbrella.

The husband carries the bags.

The wife carries a second umbrella.

That detail stands out.

She is prepared.

Capable.

But she still chooses to stay under his covering.

Not because she has to…

but because she chooses partnership.

From where we are standing, this looks like a marriage with depth.

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But Here Is The Truth

We are only seeing a moment.

A snapshot.

A surface.

And surface can be misleading.

A couple can look balanced… and still be struggling.

A couple can look distant… and still be deeply connected.

A couple can look functional… and still be full of joy.

We don’t really know.

The Bible reminds us, in 1 Samuel 16:7:

“Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

That applies here too.

We are all looking at umbrellas, bags, and posture.

But God sees something deeper.

The heart.

The intention.

The unseen work.

So maybe the better question is not:

Which couple is the happiest?

But:

What kind of marriage are they building?

One where:

• Burden is shared?
• Covering is intentional?
• Connection is visible?
• Partnership is chosen?

Because rain will come.

That part is guaranteed.

What matters is not just who holds the umbrella…

but whether you are still holding each other.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

Standard vs Preference

Dear single,

Permit me to say: Not everything you want belongs in the same category.

Some things are standards.

Some things are preferences.

Confusing the two is how people miss good partners…or choose the wrong ones.

Standards protect purpose.

Preferences decorate comfort.

Standards are about character.

Preferences are about taste.

Standards answer: Can we build?

Preferences answer: Do I like this?

And liking matters. Attraction matters. Compatibility matters.

But when preference becomes the filter for worth, wisdom leaves the room.

Height is preference.

Humility is standard.

Fashion sense is preference.

Faithfulness is standard.

Shared hobbies are preference.

Shared values are standard.

Chemistry is preference.

Capacity is standard.

Because you don’t build a life on vibes.

You build a life on character.

The Bible never tells us to marry perfect people.

But it repeatedly points us toward wisdom, fruit, counsel, patience, teachability.

Not aesthetics.

Not status.

Not the performance of readiness.

Preferences change with seasons.

Standards sustain you through seasons.

What feels exciting today may not carry weight tomorrow.

But integrity travels well.

Kindness ages well.

Self-control protects futures.

Teachability keeps marriages alive.

Some people are disqualified too quickly because they didn’t meet a preference.

Some people are accepted too quickly because they satisfied one.

Both are dangerous.

Because attraction can grow.

Capacity can expand.

But character rarely appears suddenly after marriage.

This is why discernment matters.

Ask different questions.

Not just: Do I enjoy them?

But: Do they take responsibility?

Not just: Are they impressive?

But: Are they consistent?

Not just: Do they make me feel good?

But: Do they make wise decisions when feelings are absent?

Preferences help you choose.

Standards help you stay.

And marriage is not sustained by excitement.

It is sustained by who two people are when excitement fluctuates.

Even Scripture frames this.

A house built on rock is not built on what looks good…

but on what holds weight.

So be honest with yourself.

Are you filtering by preference and calling it wisdom?

Are you ignoring standards because preference is loud?

You don’t need perfection.

But you need substance.

Choose someone whose character can carry a covenant.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

Stop Parenting Your Spouse

Tone matters more than truth sometimes.

Because you can be right…

and still be damaging.

I saw something that said if your tone sounds like a parent or a boss, intimacy begins to disappear.

(You can read that again.)

Not because couples are trying to control each other.

But because pressure slowly replaces partnership.

Correction replaces curiosity.

Instruction replaces conversation.

Evaluation replaces empathy.

And before long, one person feels managed instead of loved.

Marriage was never designed to feel like supervision.

According to scriptures, we are supposed to be helpers.

Not handlers.

Not supervisors.

Not behavior monitors.

Two adults…

walking toward God together.

But parenting energy shows up quietly.

Reminders that sound like lectures.

Questions that sound like accusations.

Feedback that feels like grading.

Silence that feels like punishment.

You are not raising your spouse.

You are relating to them.

And desire cannot grow in environments that feel like performance reviews.

Because intimacy needs safety.

Safety needs gentleness.

Gentleness lives in tone.

The Bible speaks often about how we speak.

Proverbs 15: 1 says "A soft and gentle and thoughtful answer turns away wrath, But harsh and painful and careless words stir up anger"

A soft answer.

Words seasoned with grace.

Love that is not easily provoked.

Not because truth should be hidden.

But because truth without tenderness hardens hearts.

Bossing creates resistance.

Parenting creates distance.

Partnership creates closeness.

There is a difference between influence and control.

Influence says, “Let’s figure this out.”

Control says, “You need to fix this.”

Influence invites.

Control pressures.

And pressure suffocates desire.

Many couples are not lacking love.

They are lacking emotional safety.

It is a  subtle shift.

Speak to your spouse like someone you admire.

Correct like someone who is also learning.

Ask more than you instruct.

Invite more than you enforce.

Marriage is not a classroom.

It is a covenant.

You are not their parent.

They are not your employee.

You are working together.

And when people work together, they create environments where love feels safe to stay.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

Front End vs Back End Love

On my birthday, my wife didn’t post anything on social media.

Not a single picture.

No heartfelt caption.

No public shoutout.

Nothing.

A milestone birthday at that.

For a moment, I thought about how people measure relationships these days.

You know the usual signs.

The Instagram tributes.

The long Facebook paragraphs.

The carefully curated photo dumps.

So technically speaking, my wife failed… right?

Because if social media is the scoreboard of love, she didn’t even show up to play.

But while the internet saw nothing…

Something else was happening.

She was coordinating a beautiful party.

Calling people.

Planning details.

Organizing moments.

Even during the party itself, she hardly sat down.

She was moving from one corner to another.

Checking on guests.

Making sure things were flowing.

Making sure I was having a blast.

She had pictured the day in her mind and was working behind the scenes to make it happen.

And she did.

She made my day super special.

That made me think about something important.

Some love lives on the front end.

It is visible.

Public.

Applauded.

But some love lives on the back end.

Quiet.

Unseen.

Sacrificial.

And sometimes the back end is where the real work happens.

Jesus talked about this kind of hidden devotion.

• Giving in secret.
• Serving without applause.
• Doing things that only God sees.

Not because visibility is wrong.

But because authenticity is deeper than projection.

Social media can capture moments.

But it cannot capture motives.

It can show smiles.

But it cannot show sacrifice.

It can show celebration.

But it cannot show preparation.

The truth is, many beautiful marriages are quiet.

They are not curated for an audience.

They are simply lived.

Through support.

Through effort.

Through presence.

Love is not always loud.

Sometimes it is logistical.

Sometimes it is thoughtful.

Sometimes it is a person moving around all evening making sure everyone else is happy.

So if you are looking at social media trying to measure the health of someone’s marriage…

Be careful.

You may be judging the front end while missing the back end.

And in many marriages, the back end is where the love actually lives.

Give me the unseen effort.

Give me the thoughtful planning.

Give me the person who works quietly to make life beautiful.

That kind of love doesn’t trend.

But it lasts.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

Who Is Teaching Her?

The Bible says in Titus 2:3-5  "Similarly, teach the older women to live in a way that honors God. They must not slander others or be heavy drinkers. Instead, they should teach others what is good. These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children, to live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes, to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands. Then they will not bring shame on the word of God."

This scripture always humbles me.

It assumes something many modern marriages quietly ignore:

Some things are not discovered.

They are taught.

From experience.

From scars.

From seasons survived.

Older women teaching younger women.

Not just recipes.

Not just childcare.

But love.

Self-control.

Kindness.

Home stewardship.

Relational wisdom.

Marriage was never meant to be figured out alone.

We celebrate independence so loudly that we sometimes silence inheritance.

There are things Google/AI cannot teach.

There are things podcasts cannot teach.

There are things only lived life can teach.

How to stay soft when life is hard.

How to disagree without dishonoring.

How to support without disappearing or losing oneself.

How to speak truth without wounding love.

Titus is not about older women policing younger women.

It is about older women protecting younger women.

Because experience sees danger early.

Experience recognizes patterns.

Experience knows what regret sounds like before it speaks.

Some wisdom is preventative.

Every wife needs a voice that can say:

- “I’ve been there.”

- “This matters.”

- “Slow down.”

- “Don’t throw that away.”

- “You will thank yourself later.”

Not because she is weak.

But because she is becoming.

We all are.

Marriage is not just two people growing.

It is two lineages colliding.

Two histories speaking.

Two futures being shaped.

Who is teaching her patience?

Who is teaching her discernment?

Who is reminding her that love is not just feeling… it is formation?

Submission to Christ often looks like submission to wisdom.

And wisdom usually has wrinkles.

Marriage does not only need romance.

It needs mentorship.

Because what is taught multiplies.

And what is modeled endures.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

Who Can Talk To Him?

We talk a lot about men submitting to Christ.

And that is right.

But submission to Christ must be visible somewhere.

Because invisible submission without human accountability can easily become self-deception.

The book of Proverbs, chapter 14, verse 12 says there is a way that seems right to a man…

and the end leads somewhere else.

Which implies every man will need someone to correct them at some point.

The question is not whether a man says he answers to God.

The question is:

• Who else can speak into his life?
• Who can correct him without being punished?
• Who can ask hard questions without being cut off?
• Who can say, You are wrong, and still remain in his circle?

If the answer is nobody…

that is dangerous.

Not just for him.

For his wife.

For his children.

For the people who depend on his leadership.

Because power without accountability ALWAYS drifts.

The book of Ephesians calls husbands to love sacrificially.

That level of responsibility requires structure.

Structure looks like:

• Mentors.
• Friends who tell the truth.
• Fathers (Biological/Spiritual)
• Community that is not impressed by status or performance.

A man who cannot be spoken to will eventually become a man who cannot be trusted.

Not because he intends harm…

but because blind spots grow in isolation.

Submission is not weakness.

It is alignment.

Even Jesus had disciples who could ask questions.

He lived in community.

He modeled openness.

Leadership that refuses accountability is not strength.

It is fear under the camouflage of authority.

Dear women…

Don’t just ask if he loves God.

Ask:

• Who can talk to him?
• Who can stop him?
• Who does he listen to when emotions rise?
• Who sees him when he is not impressive?

Because marriage is too sacred to be built on unchecked leadership.

Dear men…

Submission is not proven by what you say to God in private.

It is proven by how you respond when someone corrects you in public.

Strength is not being unquestioned.

Strength is being teachable.

A safe man is a submitted man.

Not controlled…

Submitted.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

Romance After Conflict

So someone asked me after yesterday's post
"How do you find romance in conflict? Or after a major fight?"

It's true, romance is easy when everything is smooth.

The laughter flows.

The compliments come naturally.

Touch is effortless.

But the real test of romance…

is what happens after conflict.

There is a version of love that only exists on good days.

And there is a deeper version that shows up after:

• Misunderstanding.
• Hurt feelings.
• Harsh words.
• Silence.

That version is sacred.

Because it says:

I choose you… even when it’s uncomfortable.

Romance after conflict is not grand gestures.

It is small repairs.

- The text that says, Are you okay?

- The hand that lingers a little longer.

- The apology that doesn’t defend itself.

- The willingness to sit and talk again.

Song of Solomon shows lovers who move toward each other... even after distance.

Love is not proven by the absence of conflict.

It is proven by the presence of return.

Some couples know how to argue.

But they don’t know how to repair.

So tension lingers.

Warmth disappears.

Romance slowly evaporates.

The Bible says in Ephesians 4:26,

“Do not let the sun go down on your anger.”

Not because anger is forbidden…

but because distance is dangerous.

Romance after conflict says:

- We are more important than this moment.

- Connection matters more than being right.

- Repair matters more than winning.

It is the hug after the disagreement.

The soft tone after the sharp one.

The shared meal after the silence.

1 Corinthians 7:5 says "Do not deprive one another except when you both agree in a time which you devote to fasting and prayer, and you shall again return to pleasure"

I know this scripture is talking about intimacy but the focus is on the phrase "you shall again return to..."

There is a "returning to..." 

Going back to how it was... and this applies to conflicts in marriage.

That is love maturing.

Don’t wait for perfect days to be tender.

Be tender after imperfect ones.

Because intimacy is not built on flawless moments…

It is built on repaired ones.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

Romanticize Your Marriage

Dear married,

Take the pretty pictures.

Laugh at small things.

Hold hands in ordinary places.

Feel like your marriage is the story...not just a responsibility.

Light the candle.

Sit at the table without your phones.

Go for that walk.

Dance in the kitchen.

Buy the small gift that says, I thought about you.

Marriage doesn’t become beautiful by accident.

It becomes beautiful by attention.

Some couples only wait for big moments.

Anniversaries.

Vacations.

Breakthrough seasons.

But the Bible constantly points us to DAILY... 

daily bread…daily mercy…daily love.

Song of Solomon is full of "ordinary" moments of admiration.

Small words.

Small looks.

Small gestures that build a large bond.

Romance is not extravagance.

It is awareness.

Romanticizing your marriage is not pretending problems don’t exist.

It is refusing to let problems define the atmosphere.

It is choosing to see your spouse as the person you chose... not just the person you live with.

It is saying:

• This is my life.
• This is my partner.
• This is worth tending.

I love Ecclesiastes 9:9 so much...

It reminds us to enjoy life with the spouse you love.

Enjoyment is not automatic.

It is cultivated.

Take the pictures.

Tell the stories.

Celebrate the small wins.

Create memories before life forces you to wish you had.

Don’t let routine steal wonder.

Don’t let familiarity kill curiosity.

Don’t let survival mode erase delight.

Romanticize your marriage.

Not because everything is perfect…

But because it is precious.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

Potential Has a Timeline

 A couple weeks ago, I watched the amazing Mrs. Ibukun Awosika talk about money in marriage.

At a point in their marriage, she earned significantly more than her husband. She was building a business…. while he worked in oil and gas.

Then things changed.

He eventually started an oil company with some of his friends… and had a major financial breakthrough.

Then she said something around:

“Make money of no consequence in your home...
How I treated him when I was earning more determined how I enjoyed when he hit it big.”

That is perspective.

Because money in marriage is rarely static.
Roles shift. Seasons change. Capacity grows.

The question is not “Who earns more?”
The question is “What are we building?”

………………………………………….

One thing stood out to me - potential.

He may not have been making more at the time.
But he carried the potential to.

Potential is invisible income.
You don’t spend it yet… but you steward it.

Some people marry a salary.
Others marry trajectory. They marry “what can be” not just “what is”

However, trajectory requires patience.
It requires respect before results.
It requires belief before evidence.

Proverbs 31 verse 12, talks about a wife who does good to her husband ALL THE DAYS of her life... not just the profitable days.

……………………………………………

This generation debates:

“My money is my money.
Your money is our money.”

But the deeper conversation should be posture.

How do you treat your spouse when they are still becoming?

Do you weaponize your advantage?
Do you subtly diminish them?
Do you create pressure instead of partnership?

Because success amplifies dynamics that already exist.

If there was respect before the breakthrough, there will be joy after it.
If there was contempt before the breakthrough, money will only make it louder.

……………………………………..

Dear men…

Don’t look for a marriage where you can hide behind your wife’s capacity.

Her success is not your retirement plan.

You may not be where you want financially. That is honest.
But complacency is different from a season.

Don’t stop improving yourself.
Don’t stop dreaming.
Don’t stop trying.
Don’t stop preparing.

Your financial capacity must eventually align with your mental capacity.

Ecclesiastes reminds us that the race is not to the swift… but preparation STILL matters.

……………………………………………

It is not a competition.

Your success is proof that your wife supported well.

All that encouragement…
All that patience…

All that belief…
All that support…

It was not to make you comfortable.

It was to make you capable.

Marriage is not about who carries today.
It is about who we are both becoming tomorrow.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

30 Degrees

As I was re-reading one of my previous posts, my mind went to how:

In Minnesota, 30 degrees can feel like "Yay!" or "What the heck!"

In January, when it has been -20° all week, 30° feels like heaven. 

Jackets come off. Windows crack open. People smile again.

But in October? When we were enjoying 70° just yesterday?

30° feels offensive. Unacceptable. Like something has gone terribly wrong.

Same temperature.

Different context.

Different interpretation.

And that got me thinking about marriage.

How one action in one marriage can feel like growth.

But the same action in another can feel like decline.

A husband working late might be provision in one home.

In another, it feels like emotional abandonment.

A wife wanting space might be healthy boundaries in one marriage.

In another, it feels like withdrawal.

Thirty degrees.

The number doesn’t tell the whole story.

Context does.

We are often quick to label.

“This is bad.”

“This is unhealthy.”

“This is wrong.”

But according to whose baseline?

What season are you in?

Is this an increase from where you were?

Or a decline from where you should be?

Ecclesiastes 3 reminds us that there is a time and season for everything.

Not every change is regression.

Not every discomfort is dysfunction.

Sometimes what feels cold is actually growth.

Sometimes what feels warm is actually complacency.

The danger is comparing climates.

You cannot judge your marriage by another couple’s temperature.

What is a breakthrough for them might be a bare minimum for you.

What is a crisis for you might be normal terrain for them.

Comparison distorts perception.

2 Corinthians 10:12 warns against measuring ourselves by others.

It is unwise.

NLT version puts it this way "...But they are only comparing themselves with each other, using themselves as the standard of measurement. How ignorant!"

Every marriage has its own ecosystem.

Its own history.

Its own emotional weather patterns.

The deeper question is this:

What is your standard?

Because if you don’t anchor your marriage to something stable, everything becomes relative.

Matthew 7:24-27 talks about building on the rock.

Storms will come. Winds will blow.

But the foundation determines the outcome.

If the Word is not your rock, then temperature becomes your truth.

Feelings become your compass.

Proclivities become your law.

Outbursts become justified.

“Love is not easily provoked.”

That is not temperature-based.

That is rock-based.

Some marriages are surviving on “natural tendencies.”

He is naturally quiet.

She is naturally expressive.

He withdraws.

She escalates.

Without a shared standard, those tendencies become extremes.

What brings you back to center?

What evens you out when emotions spike?

What tells both of you, “This may feel right, but it is not righteous”?

If 30 degrees is a 50-degree increase for your marriage, celebrate it.

If 30 degrees is a 40-degree drop, address it.

But don’t confuse temperature with destiny.

Not every dip is doom.

Not every warmth is health.

Discern your season.

Know your baseline.

Anchor to the Rock.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

What Evens Things Out In Your Marriage?

Matthew 7:24-27 has been on my mind lately.

We all know the story.

Two houses. Two builders. One storm.

The difference was not intelligence. 

It was not passion. 

It was not how beautiful the house looked from the outside.

It was the foundation.

Jesus said the wise man hears His words and does them. He builds on rock.

The foolish man hears the same words and ignores them. He builds on sand.

Now bring that into marriage.

Without the Word of God, what exactly is the standard you are holding your spouse by?

Your personality? Your upbringing? Your trauma? Your preferences? Your mood? Culture?

If the Word is not the rock, then whatever is loudest in the moment becomes the rule.

And that is dangerous.

Because both of you have natural proclivities.

One may be quick-tempered.

The other may be withdrawn.

One may escalate.

The other may shut down.

If there is no rock, you will both simply walk in your default wiring.

And default wiring, ungoverned, builds on sand.

The Word of God is what brings two strong personalities to a center.

It evens out extremes.

It tells the explosive one:

“Love is not easily provoked.” (1 Corinthians 13:5)

It tells the silent one:

“Speak the truth in love.” (Ephesians 4:15)

It tells both:

“Be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” (James 1:19)

There are outbursts that feel justified.

There are reactions that feel earned.

There are moments when you can build a solid case for your anger.

But storms do not test your case.

They test your foundation.

When conflict hits, what holds?

If the standard is “how I feel,” then the marriage shifts with emotion.

If the standard is “what my parents did,” then you inherit foundations you didn’t even inspect.

If the standard is culture, then your marriage rises and falls with trends.

But if the standard is the Word, then both of you bow to something higher than yourselves.

That changes everything.

Now the question is not: “Who is right?”

It becomes: “What does the Word say?”

Now the goal is not: “Winning this argument.”

It becomes: “Building something that survives the storm.”

The Word does not remove storms.

It fortifies you for them.

Marriage is not sustained by compatibility alone.

It is stabilized by conviction.

When both husband and wife decide: “This is our rock.”

Then natural proclivities are submitted.

Emotions are regulated.

Outbursts are restrained.

Forgiveness becomes obedience, not weakness.

Storms will come.

Financial storms.

Health storms.

Communication storms.

Temptation storms.

The question is not whether it will rain.

The question is whether you are building on rock.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

Make Home Magnetic

I didn’t know Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. spoke about marriage like that. (covers face)

Then I read this:

“Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.”

Wow!

I grew up in a culture where most men avoided home...it was like an unwritten law that 'real men' hung out, after work, to return home when everyone was already sleeping.

Younger wives waited to serve dinner whenever their husbands returned

Some older ones, who already grew thick skins, would leave the food on the dining table and go to bed.

I know someone whose friend asked him: "Why are you always at home? 

When you stay home too much, you lose your respect as a husband."

...............................................

Make Home Magnetic

When a husband says “Glad to come home.”

It shouldn't just be relief from surviving the day.

Or a sense of just being tolerated.

There should be a form of GLADNESS...to being back at home.

Home should not feel like another battlefield.

It should feel like:

• Rest
• Respect
• Warmth
• Safety

The Bible says in Proverbs 24:3,

“By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established.”

A house is constructed with materials.

A home is constructed with atmosphere.

And Then the Second Half

“Make her sorry to see him leave.”

That part packs a punch.

It means, as a husband:

• Your presence carries weight.
• Your leadership adds value.
• Your kindness is felt.
• Your protection is tangible.

That whenever you walk out the door, something meaningful exits with you.

Not tension.

Not criticism.

Not unresolved anger.

Presence.

...........................................

This Is Mutual Effort

Did you notice?

MLK didn’t say:

Let the husband dominate.

Let the wife submit silently.

He said:

Let her…

Let him…

Both responsible.

Both contributing.

Both intentional.

........................................

The Deeper Question

Does your spouse feel relief when you leave?

Or longing?

Does your presence calm the room?

Or build tension?

Colossians 3:14 says,

“Put on love, which binds everything together in perfect unity.”

Unity is felt.

Atmosphere is created.

Warmth is cultivated.

It doesn’t happen by accident. Couples don't just stumble upon it.

A Gentle Challenge

Make home somewhere your spouse wants to be.

Not because they have to.

But because they feel:

Appreciated.

Respected.

Desired.

Loved.

Valued.

That is not sentimentality.

That is stewardship.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

Pray For Them First

I saw a post that said:

“The way you pray for your spouse will transform the way you talk to them.”

It made me pause.

Because it’s hard to pray sincerely for someone

and then tear them down casually.

The Bible says in James 5:16:

“The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”

Prayer changes things.

But sometimes the first thing it changes…

is the one praying.

...................................................

You Speak Differently About What You’ve Prayed Over

When you’ve prayed:

“Lord, strengthen him.”

It’s harder to say,

“You are so weak.”

When you’ve prayed:

“God, give her wisdom.”

It’s harder to mock her decisions.

When you’ve prayed:

“Father, help us grow.”

It’s harder to weaponize past failures.

Prayer softens posture.

....................................................

Prayer Creates Empathy

When you bring your spouse before God,

you see them in a different light...not just a source of frustration.

Prayer helps you remember:

• They are still growing.
• They are still healing.
• They are still becoming.

And suddenly your tone softens and your perspective shifts.

Not because the issue disappeared.

But because your heart posture changed.

.....................................................

You Can’t Pray and Poison

It’s difficult to say:

“Lord bless him.”

And then say:

“You’ll never amount to anything.”

It’s hard to say:

“God help her.”

And then tell her:

“You’re a mistake.”

James 3:10 talks about the tongue...

"And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!"

Prayer forces alignment.

......................................................

Before You Confront, Cover

What if before every hard conversation

you whispered a short prayer?

“God help me speak with grace.”

“God help me see clearly.”

“God remove pride from me.”

Watch how it changes how the delivery.

Colossians 4:6 says:

“Let your conversation be always full of grace.”

Grace grows in prayer.

Final Thought

If the way you talk sounds harsh,

check how often you pray.

If the way you respond sounds cutting,

check how often you intercede.

Prayer doesn’t just change your spouse.

It changes you.

Pray for them first.

Then speak.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

What Is Gaslighting? A Variant Of Wickedness

I watched part 3 of the Nollywood movie Alákŏso by Wunmi Toriola

The first part opened my eyes to trauma as a puppet master.

This part opened my eyes to gaslighting.

The wife caught her husband with a side chick.

After he had 'borrowed' her car for a quick business meeting.

Naturally, she was angry.

Yelling.

Hurt.

But instead of addressing betrayal, the husband flipped it.

He said something like:

“Now the whole world knows I don’t have a car.”

“Now the whole world knows I’ve been driving my wife’s car.”

“Now everyone knows I can’t afford one.”

"Thank you for embarassing me."

And just like that, the conversation shifted gears.

The wife... who was wronged,

found herself apologizing.

They were now discussing embarrassment.

Ego.

Public image.

The side chick disappeared from the conversation.

And THAT, ladies and gentleman, is gaslighting.

.................................................................

What Gaslighting Really Is

Gaslighting is not just lying.

It is manipulation that makes the victim question:

• What they saw
• What they heard
• What they felt
• What actually happened

It hijacks reality.

It shifts blame.

It redirects the focus.

It forces the injured person to defend themselves instead of addressing the offense.

It is wicked because it confuses truth.

......................................................

How It Works

You confront cheating.

They bring up your tone.

You confront disrespect.

They bring up how you embarrassed them.

You confront lies.

They accuse you of being insecure.

And suddenly, the original issue becomes secondary.

You start saying:

“That’s not what I meant…”

“I didn’t say it like that…”

“I’m not trying to attack you…”

Meanwhile, the actual wrongdoing remains untouched.

.....................................................

Why It’s Dangerous

Gaslighting slowly erodes confidence.

You start doubting your instincts.

You second-guess your memory.

You shrink your reactions.

And over time, you become easier to control.

Proverbs 12:17 says,

“An honest witness tells the truth, but a false witness tells lies.”

Gaslighting is not just emotional immaturity.

It is bearing false witness against your spouse’s reality.

And that is serious.

.......................................................

For The One Being Gaslit

Pause.

Return to the original issue.

Don’t get dragged into defending your reaction while ignoring the offense.

Say:

“That may be a separate issue, but right now we are addressing this.”

Stay anchored.

Truth does not need theatrics.

.........................................................

For The One Doing It

If you manipulate conversations to avoid accountability…

Please stop.

Marriage is not a courtroom.

It is a covenant.

Deflection may win the argument.

But it destroys trust.

Ephesians 4:25 says,

“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor.”

Your spouse is not your enemy.

Gaslighting turns them into one.

Final Thought

If you have to twist reality to protect your ego,

your ego is the problem.

If you cannot take responsibility without redirecting blame,

you are not leading... you are controlling.

Gaslighting is wicked.

Stop it.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.