There are real victims in the world.
People who have been hurt.
People who have been wronged.
People who deserve compassion, support, and justice.
That is not what this is about.
This is about something more subtle.
Victim positioning.
Victim positioning is when someone adopts the posture of a victim…
not just because they were hurt,
but because it helps them avoid responsibility for change.
It sounds like:
“You always make me react this way.”
“This is just how I am.”
“You don’t understand me.”
“If you didn’t do this, I wouldn’t respond like that.”
It shifts the focus.
From:
“What can I work on?”
To:
“Why this is not my fault.”
How It Shows Up in Relationships
Every relationship has moments of hurt.
Misunderstandings happen.
Feelings get bruised.
Expectations are missed.
But growth requires something uncomfortable.
Ownership.
Victim positioning resists that.
Instead of reflecting, it deflects.
Instead of adjusting, it justifies.
Instead of growing, it protects the current behavior.
Over time, it creates a pattern.
One person raises a concern.
The other person feels attacked…
and quickly moves into defense.
But not just defense.
Reversal.
Now the conversation is no longer about the issue raised.
It is about how the other person caused it.
The one who brought the concern now feels guilty.
And the original issue gets buried.
This is how progress gets stalled.
Not because the issue is too big.
Because the posture won’t allow movement.
Why It Feels So Convincing
Victim positioning works because it is not always false.
There may be a real hurt.
A real trigger.
A real experience behind it.
But instead of using that awareness for growth…
it becomes a shield.
And shields, when misused, don’t just protect.
They prevent connection.
What Scripture Points Us Toward
The Bible consistently calls us to self-examination.
“Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye but fail to notice the plank in your own?”
That is not about ignoring wrong.
It is about starting with yourself.
Taking responsibility for your response.
Your tone.
Your actions.
What This Means in Marriage
Marriage cannot grow where responsibility is always outsourced.
If every issue becomes:
“You made me do this…”
Then change becomes impossible.
Because you cannot change what you refuse to own.
A Better Posture
Growth begins when we stop looking for whom to blame, and start to address the part we played.
It opens the door to maturity.
To real change.
If you are dealing with someone who defaults to victim positioning…
Don’t escalate.
Don’t dismiss their feelings.
But don’t lose the issue either.
Stay anchored.
Acknowledge their experience…
and gently bring the conversation back to responsibility.
Because empathy without truth enables stagnation.
And truth without empathy creates distance.
Both are needed.
The goal in marriage is not to prove who is right.
It is to become better.
Together.
And that requires something powerful.
Two people who are willing to say:
“I may not be the only problem…
but I am not without responsibility.”
That is where growth begins.
👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.
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