Maybe It's Me

We kept hearing these soft bangs on the basement window.

At first, it was easy to ignore.

Just one of those random sounds you assume will stop on its own.

But it didn’t.

So I had to go check.

It was a bird.

Spring is creeping in here, so they’re back.

But this one wasn’t just perched… it was aggressive.

Flying at the glass.

Hitting it.

Backing off.

Coming again.

Over and over.

My daughter did a quick look up.

Turns out, birds don’t recognize their reflection.

And because they’re territorial, they assume what they see is another bird invading their space.

So what does it do?

It attacks.

The strange part?

Even when nothing changes…

even when the “other bird” doesn’t move...

even when it can’t win...

it keeps going.

We found it very funny.

Imagining this bird going back to report to its other bird friends:

“There’s something out there...

it keeps showing up... 

it won’t leave... 

and I can’t get to it.”

Then I thought about moments in marriage...

where we do the exact same thing.

We see something we don’t like.

A reaction.

A tone.

A pattern.

And we go after it.

We push.

We argue.

We defend.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Not realizing...

we might be reacting to a reflection.

Because sometimes what we’re fighting...

is not just the other person.

It’s what we see in them

that came from us.

Their response to how we spoke.

Their withdrawal from how we showed up.

Their defensiveness from how we approached a situation.

But instead of stepping back to ask,

“How did this get here?”

We stay in attack mode.

And like that bird...

we keep hitting the same glass.

Same arguments.

Same reactions.

Same cycles.

Nothing changes.

But we don’t stop.

Jesus said in Matthew 7:3,

“Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?”

He was not saying ignore the speck.

He was saying…

start with yourself.

Because self-awareness is uncomfortable.

It’s easier to point.

Easier to blame.

Easier to stay focused on what the other person is doing.

But growth in marriage doesn’t start there.

It starts with honesty.

“Could it be me?”

Not always.

But sometimes.

And those “sometimes” matter more than we think.

Because they are the difference between repeating cycles...

and breaking them.

James 1:23–24 talks about a man who looks in a mirror and forgets what he saw.

He saw it…

but didn’t process it.

Didn’t act on it.

That bird never realizes...

it’s looking at itself.

But we can.

We can pause.

We can reflect.

We can ask harder questions.

Not just,

“Why are you like this?”

But,

“What in me is contributing to this?”

Because sometimes...

the thing you’re trying so hard to fight...

is not your spouse.

It’s your reflection.

And until you recognize that...

you’ll keep swinging at something

that will never go away.

Maybe...

just maybe...

it’s you.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.