Can I be vulnerable for a little bit?
Years ago, while my wife was still living in another country,
I was having what I thought were harmless conversations with another lady.
Nothing physical.
Nothing that could “go anywhere.”
Just careless, flirtatious words.
And in my mind, that made it safe.
That made it 'justified.'
By the time she joined me, I had realized my mistake and had already stopped.
So when it came up later… I had my defense ready:
“That was years ago.”
“It didn’t mean anything.”
“It was already over.”
But here’s what I didn’t understand then:
Time passing…
does not mean damage disappears.
Because while it was “old” to me…
It was new to her.
She wasn’t reacting to when it happened.
She was reacting to what it meant.
And what it meant was simple:
There was a version of me
that gave something away…
that should have been protected.
That was the moment I started to see it differently.
It may be “nothing” to me…
But it is not nothing to the marriage.
..............................................................................
There are things we don’t call cheating…
But they still change something.
Not in a loud or dramatic way.
Just quietly.
A text message here.
A conversation there.
A little "harmless" flirting.
A suggestive message between us and someone of the opposite sex.
Those calls we hide to take and whisper in response to.
A space that should have been guarded… left slightly open.
And the defense we give is almost always the same:
“Nothing is happening.”
“It’s not serious.”
“It’s just conversation.”
"They are just my friend."
"They just needed my help."
Here’s the truth most people don’t say:
Faithfulness, in marriage or any committed relationship, is not only physical.
It is:
- where your attention goes
- what your heart entertains
- what doors you keep reopening
You don’t have to cross a line to start moving toward it.
And direction matters.
I thought my defense was solid...it even sounded logical.
“Nothing can happen.”
“It’s just empty words.”
But the Bible doesn’t warn only about actions.
It warns about proximity to fire.
“Can a man take fire to his bosom,
And his clothes not be burned?” - Proverbs 6:27
The issue is not whether you got burned yet.
It’s that you’re holding something that burns.
That day, I had a re-orientation.
Not because I got caught…
But because I saw clearly what I had affected.
And how WHEN it happened didn't make it any better.
And over time, the Spirit of God began to open my eyes to what emotional infidelity is and what it does to marriage.
Not just behavior…
But thinking.
Not just actions…
But boundaries.
So I made a decision.
A VERY clear one.
There was no reason to keep a channel open (even if it was dormant) to what already fractured trust in my marriage.
So I blocked that person everywhere possible.
Not to prove a point.
But to close a door.
Because this is where many of us get it wrong:
We want to keep the door slightly open…
while still claiming full commitment.
It doesn’t work that way.
You cannot protect your marriage
while entertaining alternatives...no matter how subtle.
There are people in marriages right now…
who are not dealing with obvious betrayal.
But they are dealing with patterns.
Repeated conversations.
Suggestive familiarity.
Emotional curiosity that keeps showing up in the same direction.
Nothing “happened.”
But something is happening.
And it does something to the other person.
Trust doesn’t always shatter.
Sometimes it just… slips quietly.
Until one day you realize:
You’re not as open.
Not as free.
Not as secure.
And the dangerous part?
You start adjusting instead of addressing.
You guard your heart.
You detach a little.
You tell yourself: “It’s not that bad.”
But let’s call a spade a spade.
It is not harmless.
It is unprotected space.
And unprotected space is where things grow…
that were never supposed to exist.
So what do we do with this?
We stop justifying it: “Nothing happen”
And start asking: “What direction is this taking me or my marriage/relationship?”
Because marriage is not just about avoiding failure.
It is about actively protecting what you have.
And for the one who has been hurt by this…
Although it’s hard to explain pain
that doesn’t have a clear label.
Still don't minimize it.
You didn’t “catch” anything.
But you also didn’t feel safe.
And now you’re somewhere in between:
Still there…
but not fully there.
This is where grace and truth must meet.
Yes, restoration is the goal.
But not without:
- honesty
- ownership
- consistent change
Not explanations.
Not "well, technically, I didn't...".
Not “it wasn’t that serious.”
Not "it's not that deep."
Because the goal is not to prove innocence.
The goal is to rebuild safety.
Let me keep it real:
Marriage is not protected by what you avoid…
It is protected by what you intentionally refuse to entertain.
Some doors don’t look dangerous.
Until you realize how often you’ve been standing in them.
And by the time you step back…
things are no longer the same.
Stay present.
Stay intentional.
Stay accountable.
Not until you are out of options…
But while you still have them.
👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.
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