Define Your “Ups and Downs” Before You Say “I Do”

I saw a post recently that made me pause. (I seem to do that a lot :-) )

It said, “Stay with them through ups and downs.”

Then it broke down what downs are…and what they are not.

And immediately, my mind went to marriage.

Because we throw around phrases like

“thick and thin,”

“for better or for worse,”

“ride or die,”

without ever agreeing on what those words actually mean.

We assume we’re saying the same thing.

Often, we’re not.

So let’s ask the uncomfortable but necessary questions:

What’s your definition of up and down?

What’s your definition of thick and thin?

What’s your definition of for better or for worse?

Because those vows sound poetic...until life starts testing the fine print.

Not every “down” is the same

Some downs are part of life together: 

financial strain,

health challenges,

career setbacks,

dry seasons,

arguments,

losing the spark and finding it again.

That’s life lifing.

That’s what partnership is built for.

But some things are not “downs.”

They are deal-breakers that we are choosing to see as endurance tests.

Cheating is not a “rough patch.”

Abuse is not a “season.”

Manipulation is not “working through differences.”

Disrespect is not “just how they are.”

Endurance was never meant to normalize harm.

“For better or worse” was never permission for wickedness

Biblically, covenant assumes mutual submission, love, and safety.

“Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church.”

That love was sacrificial...not abusive.

“God has called us to peace.” (1 Corinthians 7:15)

Peace does not coexist with terror.

Unity does not require silence in the face of harm.

Yes, marriage requires patience.

Yes, love covers a multitude of sins.

But love does not cover patterns of destruction.

The danger of undefined vows

When couples don’t define these phrases ahead of time, two things happen:

One person thinks “stay” means work through hardship.

The other thinks “stay” means endure anything, no matter the cost.

That gap becomes a breeding ground for resentment, fear, and spiritual confusion.

And often, the most conscientious spouse becomes the most trapped...

because they’re trying to be “godly” in a situation God never designed them to survive in silence.

So here’s the real work

Before marriage, and even within it, define your terms.

Ask: 

• What qualifies as a hardship we work through together?

• What crosses into harm?

• What does repentance look like to us?

• What does safety mean to us?

• Where do boundaries live in our marriage?

Clarity now prevents confusion later.

Love that lasts is not blind...it is discerning

Healthy marriages aren’t built on vague promises.

They’re built on shared values, clear expectations, mutual respect, and spiritual alignment.

Staying through thick and thin doesn’t mean losing yourself.

It means standing together against life...not against each other.

So before you pledge forever, define the terms.

Before you endure, ask what you’re enduring for.

Before you spiritualize suffering, ask whether God is asking for healing instead.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.

Love deeply...but define wisely.