Not sure if it's an official list...
But if you’ve been married long enough…
you’ve felt them.
Okay, let's do a crash course:
Honeymoon phase - where everything feels easy.
Love flows with little to no effort.
Reality check - Where the differences begin to show up.
We realize we didn’t marry our clone.
Power struggle - This is where/when tension rises.
Now it’s not just love... it’s about control, expectations, and “my way vs your way.”
Adjustment / Stability - This is where something has to shift.
We stop trying to win... and start trying to understand.
Commitment - It gets beautiful again, you choose each other, intentionally.
It is not based on feeling, but on decision.
Legacy / Acceptance - Here, we have settled into “us.”
It's still not perfect... but deeply rooted.
For many married couples:
They celebrate phase 1.
They survive phase 2.
But get stuck in stage 3.
Because stage 3...
the power struggle...
is where things get real.
This is where love is tested.
Not by romance…
but by resistance.
Two people...
with differing perspectives...
from two upbringings...
having two separate expectations.
All trying to coexist... without losing themselves.
Truth is:
Many marriages don’t break because there is no love.
They break because they never get past this stage.
Because power struggle demands something most people avoid.
Change.
Not from the other person.
From you.
And that’s where stage 4 comes in.
Adjustment.
Stage 4 is not where everything becomes perfect.
It’s where everything becomes intentional.
You start to see patterns.
Not just in your spouse...
but in yourself.
You start to realize:
Not every disagreement is a threat.
Not every difference needs to be corrected.
Not every moment requires control.
AND you begin to adjust.
How you speak.
How you listen.
How you respond.
Because you have realized that the goal is not to win but to make this work.
Philippians 2:3 says,
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition… but in humility consider others above yourselves.”
That, ladies and gentlemen, is adjustment.
It’s choosing to lean in...
when you’d rather pull away.
Choosing to understand…
when you’d rather defend.
Choosing to soften…
when you’d rather prove a point.
Adjustment phase is not automatic.
So how do you get there?
First... you slow down.
Not every reaction deserves expression.
James 1:19 reimnds us to be quick to listen, but slow to speak
Second... you become aware.
You start seeing how you also fuel the current state of things.
Third... you choose consistency over intensity.
Through consistent small acts that build the marriage
Big gestures don’t build stability.
Small, repeated choices do.
Fourth... you let go of control.
Not everything has to go your way
for the marriage to work.
My wife likes to call this "choose your battles"
And finally... you stay.
Not passively.
But intentionally.
Because adjustment takes time.
And this is where many miss it.
We want the peace of stage 4…
without the patience it takes to get there.
Remember: stability is not found.
It is built.
And what you build here... in this 4th stage,
is what carries you into commitment.
Into legacy.
Into something deeper than what you started with.
So if you are currently in the tension...
Don’t panic.
Don’t assume something is broken beyond repair.
You might just be in the stage
that requires the most from you...
before it gives the most to you.
Because on the other side of power struggle...
is not perfection.
It’s partnership.
And that... is worth the work.
👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.
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