Stuck in Neutral

On our way back from soccer practice, my son asked a question and it almost caught me off guard.

He loves cars...a lot.

He understands gears when the car is moving forward.
He gets reverse.
He even understands park.

But then he asked,
“Why do we need Neutral again?”

I did my best to explain it... how Neutral disengages the engine from the wheels, how the car is on but not moving, how it’s sometimes necessary for specific moments.

He nodded… but I could tell it still didn’t fully make sense.

And somewhere between that conversation and the drive home, my mind's gear shifted to marriage.

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Being stuck in Neutral

There’s a mode many marriages slip into that doesn’t get talked about enough.

Not moving forward.
Not moving backward.
We are not divorced.
We are not even fighting.

We are just… Neutral.

The marriage is on.
But it’s not going anywhere.

Bills get paid.
Children are raised.
Schedules are managed.

But growth has stalled.
Connection has thinned.
Joy has faded into routine.

Nothing is broken enough to fix.
Nothing is bad enough to leave.

So people stay... idling.

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What Neutral looks like in marriage

You start to hear things like:

• “We’re fine.”
• “It’s not terrible.”
• “This is just how marriage is after a while.”

It looks like:

• Conversations limited to logistics
• Intimacy without depth
• Conflict avoided, not resolved
• Dreams postponed indefinitely
• Emotional distance masked by functionality

Neutral is dangerous not because it hurts loudly...
but because it numbs quietly.

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Why Neutral feels safer

Neutral feels safe because it demands NOTHING.

No hard conversations.
No risk of change.
No vulnerability.

Forward requires effort.
Reverse requires courage.

Neutral requires neither.

But God is not a supporter of stagnation.

The Bible says in 1 Thess 4:10: “We urge you… to do so more and more.”

God’s design for marriage isn’t survival.

It’s growth.

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How marriages get stuck there

Neutral often comes from:

• Unaddressed disappointment
• Fatigue
• Fear of rocking the boat
• Past conflicts that were buried, not healed
• Comfort mistaken for peace

Over time, couples stop asking:
“How are we really doing?”

And start settling for:
“At least we’re not failing.”

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Getting out of Neutral

Neutral is not exited accidentally.
It requires intention.

Here’s how couples can begin to shift gears:

• Name it honestly - Call it what it is. Stagnation loses power when acknowledged
• Reintroduce curiosity -  Awaken curiosity. Start to ask questions again
• Create shared vision - Find something you’re moving toward together
• Address buried issues - Approach with caution, gently, courageously
• Invite God into the process - There is a spiritual angle to renewal, it's not just emotional

The Bible reminds us in Isaiah 43:19: “Behold, I am doing a new thing.”

But new things don’t happen when the engine is disengaged.

...............................................

Neutral is not the destination

Neutral is a temporary gear...
never the place you’re meant to live.

Marriage was designed to move.
To deepen.
To mature.

Not always fast.
Not always smoothly.

But forward.

Because a marriage that stays in Neutral too long
eventually forgets why it started moving in the first place.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.
If you’re still together, the engine is running.
Don’t settle for idling when you were built to move.