The First Instinct

My little sister said something to me recently that kinda shocked me.

She said, “You give really good advice…but not the first one. The one that comes after ‘but then, as a child of God…’”

And honestly? She wasn’t wrong.

There’s the first instinct...the raw, unfiltered reaction.

The one that rises before scripture rises.

Before patience kicks in.

Before the Holy Spirit reminds me, “Hey…that’s not who you are anymore.”

I’ve started paying attention to it.

The gap between what my flesh wants to say and what the Spirit invites me to say instead.

The distance between impulse and obedience.

And I began to wonder…

What if we carried that same awareness into our marriages?

Because let’s be honest...the first instinct in marriage is often survival, defense, or pride.

The impulsive clapback.

The silent treatment.

The “what about me?” response.

The default urge to protect self instead of protect the union.

But then, as a child of God…

The Spirit nudges you to slow down.

To breathe.

To see your spouse not as the enemy but as the person you vowed to love.

To measure your response through the lens of grace and not grievance.

What if every heated moment in marriage passed through that filter?

Not the filter of your childhood habits…

Not the filter of your traumas and triggers...

Not the filter of your wounds…

Not the filter of your feelings in the moment…

But the filter of the Spirit of God working in you?

What if the “second thought”...

the Spirit-led one, became the instinct?

Imagine the difference.

There would be:

Less regret.

Less damage control.

Less “I shouldn’t have said that…”

More kindness.

More clarity.

More unity.

More marriages where the presence of God is not just quoted but lived.

The Bible says, in Galatians 5:16,“Walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.”

That includes the desires of the tongue.

The desires of ego.

The desires of frustration.

The desires of wanting to be right more than wanting to be Christlike.

Marriage will always give you opportunities to choose between your first instinct and your redeemed nature.

One reacts.

The other responds.

One protects pride.

The other protects peace.

One feels good in the moment.

The other builds the marriage you actually want.

So here’s the challenge...for me, for you, for all of us trying to love well:

Before you speak…filter.

Before you react…filter.

Before you decide…filter.

Let the Spirit have the first say, not the second.

👣 Be Better. 💛 Love Better. 🙌🏾 Do Better. 💍Marriage Works.